Breaking News: Arab Leaders Unite in Support of Israel

peace 300x225 Breaking News: Arab Leaders Unite in Support of IsraelIn shocking news today, Haaretzi reported that the Arab leaders of the world have united for the first time to recognize Israel’s legitimacy.

“It’s about time we sat down and said that Israel is here to stay,” said King Abdullah II bin al-Hussein of Jordan. “We should all be peacefully working with this country and its leadership to mutually improve the lives of all of our people, and all of our economies.”

“We want peace. We are putting down our guns, our rockets, our bombs, and beginning regular children’s programming on television like Seseme Street, instead of the hate-filled diatribe that our children are used to. We are ready for diplomacy,” said Mahmoud Abbas, Chairman of the Palestinian National Authority, standing side by side with the leadership of Hamas and Hezbollah.

“The Jewish people deserve to have their own small plot of land in the Middle East,” said Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran. “After their incredible suffering in the Holocaust, the international community legitimately decided that there was a need for a safe haven for these people, and it’s about time that we in Iran, and my brothers in Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, and other countries stepped up and granted them the right to live in safety and security. Oh, and that also means that we’re stopping our nuclear weapons development program today. It was targeted at Israel anyway.”

United States President Barack Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu were reportedly speechless, in shock at the news, and offered no comment to this breaking news report.

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About Leora Itman

Leora Maccabee Itman is the President of Jewfolk Media, Inc. and founder of TCJewfolk.com. She is a litigation attorney at Maslon, Edelman, Borman, and Brand, LLP in Minneapolis, and lives in Hopkins with her husband and baby.

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9 comments

  1. And in an accompanying story, the government of Israel committed to prompt resolution of the ongoing territory dispute with the Palestinians in a way that preserved the integrity of both nations and the dignity of the Palestinian people.

    That would be nice too.

  2. In addition to that accompanying story, Israel will recognize and compensate for the grave injustices done upon the Palestinians since 1948, a people who dearly paid the price for sins they themselves did not commit, namely pogroms against Jews in Eastern Europe and ultimately, the Holocaust. Israel will also recognize Palestine as a state, remove all the settlers from territory that is not legally theirs since 1967, recognize East Jerusalem as either an international city or the capital of Palestine, and cease to favor Jewish citizens of Israel over non-Jewish.

  3. This just in…The Israeli and Palestinian governments realized the need to live with each other, share the land together and run one government together. Well, at least I realized it, and that’s no joke.

  4. The other subject I’m wondering about during Pesach is, when are the lighter-skinned Jews going to treat the darker ones like bretheren? When are the African Jews going to finally feel like they’re in a new home?

  5. Liberal democrat

    In an accompanying story, all the Arab nations and Palestinian territories will embrace human rights and try to replicate Israel’s
    – Vibrant democracy (with more voter participation than the US!)
    – Gay rights (where gay adoption is legal and same-sex partners are treated equivalent to spouses by the military, as opposed to most of the Arab world where homosexuality is legally punishable) and
    – Women’s rights (where women have had gender equality since Israel’s founding in 1948)

  6. Dmitry Gringauz

    I might be wrong, but did this post misfire?

  7. Dmitry – a post doesn’t misfire if it stimulates discussion and raises awareness about important issues.

    Ruki – great question re the acceptance of Jews of color in our communities. I don’t have an answer as to when that will happen, but it’s a really important issue.

    As to your other point, re the Israelis and the Palestinians needing to have one government together and sharing the land, I think that’s beautiful in a hippie ideal but impossible. Israel is a Jewish state just the way that certain Arab countries in the Middle East are run by Muslim law, and that’s something that the majority population in Israel will never give up. Although it’s a democracy, it will remain a religious democracy. Furthermore, how can you share a government with a people that in large part want your destruction?

    I think that’s the larger problematic issue here. New York City or Minneapolis or Los Angeles can have pockets of different immigrant communities, run by the same government, but with each “territory” or “settlement” retaining unique culture and characteristics. Israel in fact has those little pockets – Arab and Christians who are both integrated into its culture, but in some areas (like Christian communities in the Galilee or Arab communities in Haifa) where the groups have created little cultural bubbles that are both valued and enhance Israel at large. Why then can’t there be little pockets of Jews in Palestinian areas? Or in nearby Arab countries?

    There won’t be shared community or shared relationships between the Palestinians and the Israelis until Jews can live in Arab land the same way that Christians and Arabs can live in Jewish land.

    And that’s not funny.

  8. Well, now that we’ve stopped pretending to joke, I can comment. (I have a hard time finding anything funny to say when it comes to the Arab-Israeli conflict.)

    First, I’ll pick on the person I agree with most here.

    Leora, I’m surprised to see you write: “Israel is a Jewish state just the way that certain Arab countries in the Middle East are run by Muslim law, and that’s something that the majority population in Israel will never give up. Although it’s a democracy, it will remain a religious democracy.” Based on your past writings here, I am sure that you know better.

    Israel is not at all a “religious democracy” “the way that certain Arab countries in the Middle East are run by Muslim law.” That makes it sound like (some very credulous view of) the Islamic Republic of Iran.

    Israel is not governed by Jewish religious law (halacha) as some Muslim countries are (partly) governed by Islamic religious law (sharia). In Saudi Arabia, Iran, other such places sharia is enforced daily and pervasively, with criminal penalties (e.g., mutilation for theft) for acts such as women going unveiled in public. This is done because sharia to them is God’ law, not because a government put words in a law book.

    With the exceptions of family law and some commercial regulations, Israel is not governed by halacha at all. It’s true that a rabbi (no option for a judge) decides when Israeli Jews may marry in Israel ( and even this is on the cusp of changing). It’s true that buses do not run on the Sabbath. But it also true that Minnesota law (as well as many other state and local laws) forbids selling alcohol (and cars *shrug*) on Sunday.

    In the United States, as in Israel, some laws are inspired by religious rules. But in both countries these rules are law not because they are written in a religious text (like in Saudia Arabia, etc.), but because these laws were passed by democratically elected legislatures (which in most Islamic countries do not exist).
    Israel in its treatment of religion, law, and democracy is like the America, not Iran!

  9. Whew, I knew this must be a joke. I mean, why would the Arabs, or Persians for that matter want to give up their greatest chip, the demagoguery of Israel. The people might actually start looking toward their own failed governments and realize the lack of personal rights, education, women’s rights, development, infrastructure, economies, and so on. A bad Israel is always good for bad Arab governments. A better April fools joke would be let some of these bleeding heart libs take a nice vacation to Israel for a week, then go on to Saudi Arabia for a month and see who is laughing.

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