Let’s take a detour for a moment to discuss a list that has been forming in my mind since 1993 aka the year I discovered boys could make me “feel things.” Most of those things included melancholic angst and belt buckles, but they also made way for the list of things that can ensure you will NEVER take me out on a second date. While there are the obvious previously-stated offenses, like discussing your colonoscopy or eating pasta with your hands, this is a list comprised mainly of the top 10 common behaviors that will prevent you from any hope of future M&S-love.
You will most likely never see me again if:
1. You wear toe socks of any kind. If you wear them with sandals, we won’t even be friends.
2. You carry a firearm. Exception: You are Indiana Jones.
3. You have halitosis. Brush that shit. If it’s a medical issue, seek medical attention.
4. You live with your parents, either in the basement or attic. If you live in your childhood bedroom, we also won’t be friends.
5. You are exceptionally sweaty. Not normal, nervous sweaty. EXCEPTIONALLY sweaty.
6. You text or call regularly to chat, but never actually ask me on a date. I don’t have time for that crap, I’m busy. I have friends I literally have to schedule time to chat with, and you probably aren’t going to be one of them.
7. You make me pay for my coffee on our first date. I’m all for Women’s Lib and whatnot, but buy my cup of coffee, cheapskate.
8. You spend the entire date talking about your ex-girlfriend/wife and what a bitch she is. Not a turn-on. And I’m guessing you are going to hide in the bushes outside her house with binoculars after the date.
9. You get visibly upset when I kick your ass in Scrabble. I’m better at it than you, trust me, just accept it.
10. You own a murse. Exception: You are Indiana Jones.
Conspicuously left off this list is the idea of taking me duck-hunting on our first date, as that was actually very creative and fit into my desire to try new things (sometimes). Duck-hunter picked me up at 4:00 am, strapped me in army-fatigue waders and paddled me out on the lake to sit in a boat eating crackers. While duck-hunter put out the fake ducks to trick the real ducks into thinking the area was shotgun-free, the boat and I were stashed in the bushes so the real ducks wouldn’t catch on to the scam. Since I am incapable of silence, we had no real ducks fooled, but I did get to shoot the gun into the reeds and for that I am forever indebted to duck-hunter and his creativity in the area of date-planning. Needless to say we did not last, but I am still talking about him seven years later, so I think we know who the real winner is here.