[Ask Shuli has gone on a little vacation, so we’re asking you, our TC Jewfolk readers, to answer this question amongst yourselves. Nu, two Jews, three opinions, right? Let’s have it.]
Riddle me this. I became quite close friends with a woman two years ago and upon learning that her wedding would be this summer, was thrilled. I mean, if I was having my wedding this summer, she’d be in it for sure. When she started talking about bridesmaid dresses we had an awkward moment. I considered her that close, but it wasn’t mutual. I wouldn’t be “in” her wedding. I was crushed. Her wedding is three months away and I’m excited, but still bummed. Should I get over it? Help!
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Your friend probably had family obligations. It’s not like you won’t be invited.
Go and enjoy, and donate the money you would have spent on the bridesmaid dress, etc. to Jewish Federation.
i remember *really* worrying about this when my friends were doing the bridesmaid-thing. looking back, i wish i would have let it all go and just enjoyed the fun!
and, btw, when your day comes, if you still want your friend to be in your wedding DO ask; don’t let all of this stop you– i think every bride’s day should be *exactly* how she wants it to be!
I always rejoice when not invited to spend $1000 on someone else’s special day, but that’s just me. My sister, on the other hand, was crushed when she was invited to be the guest book monitor at her friend’s reception, not a bridesmaid. So I can see how your feelings can be hurt over it, but as I told my sister: it’s not your day.
Argh. Was that love too tough? You don’t even know me. But it’s not about you. Let the bride make these choices and be happy for her. One thing no one needs during this very stressful time is political maneuvering and drama. Offer to help make this experience as fun for her as possible. Shop with her, gossip with her over which bridesmaid falsely claimed to be a size 4. When your day comes, she’ll return the favor.
I can understand your hurt feelings and you are entitled to them. Please remember that because you were not invited to be in her wedding does NOT mean that you are not important to her. A bride can not have all of her special people in her wedding party. It hurts, and let yourself feel that hurt and work through your feelings…but don’t let it ruin your friendship…or her wedding day. The choice she made was probably the best choice for her at the time, for whatever reason–and it doesn’t mean that you are not special.
I worried about that decision with my wedding, too. I felt torn between choosing best friends from childhood versus new friends I’d made in recent years, and also my sisters. I only wanted a few attendants, so I ended up choosing my sisters and two old friends, with the logic that they’ve been with me for the long haul and most likely will be in my future. Turns out, the only ones I am still good friends with now (ten years later) are my sisters. If I were to get married today, I would have completely different attendants. Time changes friendships. People come and go and relationships carry a certain amount of pain and sometimes loss.
Best wishes on your wedding, and all the best with dealing with your situation.
It seems everyone attaches different meaning to being a bridesmaid and choosing a bridesmaid. It is natural that you are upset because she didn’t do what YOU would have done – which is ask her to be YOUR bridesmaid. But she could have many different reasons for that, none of which you should take personally. You just can’t!
As someone who is always the bridesmaid and never the bride, and has on many occasions not been asked to be a bridesmaid for close friends, I’m so over the whole thing. Save money by not buying an ugly dress? Yes please! Save more money by not getting your hair and nails and all that done? Possibly save a friendship or a life by not getting in the way of bridezilla? For sure!
I’m no longer in touch with the last bride who’s wedding I was in. I’m very close to others who’s weddings I was not in. You know what? It really doesn’t matter. Years after all the pomp and circumstance, your friendship will be strong because you were a supportive friend, not because you were in the wedding.
Also, personally, I think the whole concept of bridesmaids and the obscene amount of money and waste that goes on at weddings is ridiculous – but that’s another story…
Love,
A single girl 🙂