This column is dedicated to the memory of Chuck Connelly.
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Dear Miriam,
With the school year starting, I’m thinking a lot about bullying. What are some signs to look out for, either that my child may be a victim or a perpetrator? And how can I, as a parent, work to make the school safer for all children?
Signed,
Hoping for School Year Safety
Dear Hoping,
While I’m not an expert in this area, preventing bullying is something I care a lot about. Fortunately, unlike when I was in middle and high school in the 1990s, there are experts in this topic, and schools are much more likely to take bullying seriously than they were 30 years ago. Still, as anyone can tell you who has kids or interacts with kids or was a kid, other kids are mean, and even with the best intentions, adults can’t always fix the problem.
But, as adults, it is our responsibility to put in some effort. (Or, paraphrased Jewishly, it’s not our responsibility to complete the task, nor are we free to avoid trying.) The top way that I think you can help make your kids’ school safer from bullying is by communicating with your kids. Open lines of communication with your children will make them more likely to tell you when something is up, whether they are experiencing bullying, or witnessing it, or even causing it. You can ask them directly, but their willingness to talk likely will come from a lifetime of expectations and norms around sharing information. So it’s never too late to start, but parents of younger kids, take note of the healthy patterns you want to form.
The next thing is to have open lines of communication with the school. On the broadest level, you can find out if there is any anti-bullying curriculum in place. If not, you can advocate that something be put in place. When you speak to teachers specifically about your student, you can ask questions about their behavior and interpersonal interactions. You can also ask the teacher and administrators questions about school culture in general, how they handle bullying, and what supports are in place. Whether the victim is your child or any other child, you may have a chance to make a real difference, but you’ll likely be more successful in doing so if you already have the relationships at school.
If (or more likely when) you hear about any instances of bullying from your children, be prepared with the kinds of questions you want to ask. Do you feel safe at school? What adults can you talk to in the building when you see something that isn’t right? What can you do to help someone being bullied? Are there adults at school that you want me to talk to with you or for you?
I learned some tragic news this past week about someone from my high school who was bullied as a teenager and throughout his adult life — hence the dedication for this column. Through social media, I learned of many other people from my high school with similar experiences who felt powerless to step in or change this dynamic. I’ve thought a lot about ways in which these damaging behaviors, which were both common and commonly ignored, affected my own life in that school, including behaviors from my classmates that were shrugged off by adults but would certainly be considered unacceptable by today’s standards. I hope with the start of this school year, both kids and adults will step up to protect kids experiencing bullying, and that 30 years from now, we won’t be having the same conversation.
Be well,
Miriam
