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Dear Miriam,
I am an adult male who works out and takes care of myself. I feel frustrated that there is a double standard in what is appropriate to say to an attractive man but not a woman. I am especially tired of going to medical professionals and having them talk to me in an admiring way, which is inappropriate. I have had several bad experiences, including a nurse who left the door open during an exam so people could look at me, and a doctor who said, “You are no longer allowed to come here – I can’t get my staff to concentrate on work.” I am hoping you can let medical professionals know that talking to a patient in an admiring way puts their patients in a position where they don’t feel comfortable talking about their health problems. Thanks for letting me share my experience and my hope to be treated just as a patient and not someone they admire.
Signed,
Done Being Objectified
Dear Done,
I hear your frustration, and no one should be wary of seeking medical care because of something a doctor or nurse might say, whether it’s a compliment, a criticism, or unwanted attention of any kind. I am happy to use this space to share your experience with medical professionals and to implore people in that profession (and any other!) to avoid the mistakes and mistreatment that you’ve encountered.
That said, I do want to push back a bit on your double-standard comment. As a woman who goes to doctors and is friends with other women who go to doctors, I actually think the experience of having unwanted comments made about one’s body in a medical setting is a bit more universal than you seem to imagine. You specify that you’re talking about comments made to an attractive man, and I want to frame the rest of my response through the lens of, it doesn’t matter if it’s about attractiveness, or weight, or height, or anything else – unwanted comments about your body are unwanted, regardless of your size, gender, or perceived attractiveness.
If a nurse leaves the door open during your appointment, ask her to close it. Tell her that that is a violation of your privacy. If a doctor tells you you’re no longer welcome in his practice, take that as a very clear indication that you will not be comfortable in that practice. If a medical professional makes inappropriate comments, or worse, report them to a local medical board, submit an anonymous report, send them a letter about why you won’t be returning, and/or bring your complaint to a rating site so other potential patients are warned.
I feel like I have to add the caveat that it’s likely impossible in a medical setting to avoid body talk completely. Of course, there are lines that should not be crossed, and you get to decide what those lines are, but ultimately, you’re probably there to talk about your body. Before you meet a new doctor, feel free to share your concerns before your first appointment. You can say something like, “I have had very negative experiences in other practices having comments made about my physique, and I want to make sure that that won’t happen here.” You can remind the nurses and doctors on the day of your visit as well. If they can’t follow through, you don’t have to return, and you can tell them why.
It’s unfortunate that our society often treats people and their bodies as fair game for comments in all kinds of settings, medical and otherwise. You can help change this by being an advocate for yourself and by being an advocate for others when you hear inappropriate body talk of any kind. “I prefer not to talk about my body or anyone else’s” could become a kind of refrain for you. But then you actually have to follow through on that, with no room for double standards.
Be well,
Miriam
