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Dear Miriam,
During my daughter’s weekly gymnastics class, many of the parents sit around and chat. It’s usually just about kids and school, but I’ve recently noticed two moms who seem to talk about books with each other a lot. I’m a big reader but don’t consider myself good at small talk. I’d like to enter their conversation but instead end up eavesdropping from afar. Any suggestions for entering their inner circle?
Signed,
Shy Bookworm
Dear Shy,
Making friends as an adult is hard! This frequently repeated refrain is true for a lot of reasons, and you’ve identified a few of them: many adults are focused on their kids, it feels like people already have established relationships that are hard to break into, and self-confidence about making friends can wane when you’re out of practice.
But one reason that I’ve heard a lot is that it’s hard to know where to look for friends, and this one, fortunately, doesn’t apply to you – at least a couple of people you want to meet are right in front of you, week after week! The most straightforward advice I can offer is that you should go stand near them next week and say, “Sorry to interrupt, but I would love to know what book you’re talking about.” Then it’s hardly small talk, and you’ve created an opening for them to include you. (I considered saying you should bring a book and tempt them into talking to you, but that’s both inefficient for making friends and not doing anything to stretch your comfort zone. Also, you’re not in a rom-com.)
They may or may not bite, but that first step towards a conversation is low stakes and has no downsides! They could give you the name of the book and then resume their two-person conversation, they could engage you in conversation one week and then ignore you every week after, or they could turn out to share your interest in books but otherwise not actually be people you want to talk to. But you won’t know until you try, and there are positive outcomes ranging from one nice conversation to lifelong book club partners to everything in between, all of which are better than sitting back and wondering if there might be a more fun way for you to spend gymnastics class. Even one nice conversation can and should be considered a success.
Speaking of book clubs, if you’re looking for a group of people to talk to about books, you don’t have to wait for them to fall in your lap or figure out how to approach relative strangers. You could seek out a reading group at your local library, through a JCC or Hadassah group or synagogue, or through local parent or neighborhood groups. Everyone showing up to a group like that is there to meet people and talk to them about books so you won’t have to question their intentions or make yours known beyond showing up. If these two turn out to be good to talk to, great! But if they just serve to highlight your desire to talk to more people, consider that a win, too.
Be well,
Miriam
