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Dear Miriam,
My spouse and I are at the stage of life where we each have elderly mothers. It’s super easy to just sit and complain about them, but that doesn’t seem healthy or “right” to me. Sometimes of course one of us just has to vent! But how do we honor the last years of their lives without spiraling into negativity that we are bound to be sorry about later?
Signed,
Spiraling Spouses
Dear Spouses,
Your “of course” is a crucial part of this letter. Of course this is hard! Of course you’re tired and frustrated. And, from what I’m hearing, of course you’re also grateful to still have your mothers and want to honor and respect them. And of course sometimes these things are in conflict with each other.
I wonder if you and your spouse can set aside specific time for venting. Maybe it’s even as artificial as setting a timer: you each get five minutes to complain about your mothers before sharing a glass of wine at dinner. Or after you get off the phone with your mother, you get a 5 minute neck massage while complaining. When your spouse gets off the phone with their mother, they get the same.
The other approach I recommend is to focus, actively, on the positive. What do your mothers like? What makes them happy? Maybe you can structure visits or phone calls around looking at old photos or watching favorite movies together or even just asking them each questions about things in their lives – past or present – and then listening to their answers.
A more involved form of this approach may be helping them discover new hobbies or interests or making new friends. Depending on their health, independence, and living situations, maybe there’s a senior center they can go to or a health aide who can come visit once a week or a transport vehicle for seniors that can take them on occasional errands. Your mothers are separate people with separate needs, so what works for one may not be applicable for the other, but the premise is the same: if they’re happier and more engaged and sufficiently attended to, then talking to them is likely to be more pleasant for you and their needs may start to feel like less of a burden.
As you are all too aware, this stage won’t last forever. Even if the only change you’re able to make is for you and your spouse to say out loud to each other, “I’m glad my mother is here and I love her,” the complaints and venting may feel a little lighter and may dissipate a little more quickly.
Be well,
Miriam
