I was recently talking to another parent who mentioned that before they had kids, they had never held a baby. They don’t have a philosophy of parenting, a set of religious beliefs, or a strong cultural identity with which they associate. They said they were just trying different methods and approaches, and seeing how things work out.
I guess all of us who are raising kids are just sort of seeing how things work out, in the sense that parenting isn’t an exact science, but at the same time, I’m Jewish. The whole of my being is based on the phrase, “just in case.” I don’t do well with “winging it.”
I’m a mom of three young kids. I’ve been babysitting since I was a child myself and I began working in early care and education when I was 18. I have a bachelor’s degree in child psychology and a master’s degree in educational psychology. Even so, it doesn’t make parenting more simple or straightforward. In the first months of the COVID-19 pandemic, when my husband and I were trying to work from home while also caring for our children, I can tell you that my degrees did not make that situation any easier.
I feel fortunate to have Judaism to guide my parenting. As Jewish parents, we have a deep well of wisdom, teachings, and values to draw from. In Judaism, parenting is a personal responsibility, but also a sacred duty. My connection to Judaism drives my decision-making and keeps me going on my hardest days. When I’m having difficulty knowing how to handle a challenging situation, I have numerous sources to draw from to guide my next steps.
I want to share these experiences with you and draw from experiences others have chosen to share with me, in a series of articles, using Judaism as a conduit for the day-in, day-out, of parenting. I’m calling it The Mensch Manual.
I will attempt to be pluralistic, understanding of various backgrounds, denominations, types of observance, and culture, as each of these components influences the choices we make as parents. I will not always do this perfectly, and I am open to you reminding me when I am not inclusive of your experience. My writing will discuss the choices and decisions that help keep our values as Jewish parents in line with the actions of our day-to-day parenting. I will also discuss the opportunities we have to infuse Jewish values like mitzvot, prioritizing community, fostering a connection to Judaism, the Jewish people, and our history into our families.
I have seen the full spectrum of choices from Jewish parents over any given decision. For example, I have known parents who chose not to circumcise, parents who took it as a given that they’d have a bris but agonized over every detail, and parents who flew in a particular mohel from out of town. My writing will not seek to give any right way to parent or to provide advice, but instead to shine a light on our shared heritage to guide us as we each make very personal decisions.
Admittedly, it can be easy to fall into the trap of initially judging what others do, based on our own backgrounds and experiences. I’d ask that as we go on this journey together, we remain open-minded to the experiences of others, knowing we almost never have the full picture. If you balked at any of the scenarios I presented in the previous paragraph, consider the context for each one:
The family who chose not to circumcise had a medically fragile child.
The family who agonized over every detail didn’t have grandparents to provide guidance or support.
The family who flew in the mohel picked him because of his connection to their European ancestors who survived the Holocaust.
Each of these decisions, from the outside, might be judged if you didn’t have this context. In each of these choices, I see these parents’ Judaism. For me, it’s not in the decision that is made, but in the questioning, the searching for meaning and connection. But these parents placed emphasis on Jewish values, traditions, and rituals, which guided them to their choices and made them feel like they had chosen the right thing for themselves and their children.
We face modern challenges as parents, but the fundamental principles that have served the Jewish people for millennia from our texts, traditions, and values can continue to guide our approaches to raising our children. Education, community, moral responsibility, and resilience remain central. Whether we maintain traditionally observant households or secular homes, these principles emphasize raising children who are knowledgeable and proud of their Jewish heritage and can contribute meaningfully to society. We give the world a gift in our children, and the strength of our parenting lies in our ability to preserve these values.
