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Dear Miriam,
Our new son-in-law’s father (who is Catholic) has been battling cancer, and we just got the news that he’s being put in hospice. While we don’t know him very well, we have only just recently been through wedding planning together. I’m thinking about driving several hours to visit him in person. I’m wondering what is an appropriate and meaningful way to acknowledge the coming transition and let him know that we will do what we can to share his memory with our future shared grandchildren.
Signed,
Pre-Grief Future Grandparent
Dear Grief,
There’s a Yiddish word for the relationship between you and your child’s in-laws: machatunim. This relationship can take many shapes in different families, from tension around where people spend holidays to joy in shared grandparenting to many emotions in between. I’m so sorry that your relationship with your machatunim is destined to be such a heartbreaking one. I’m so sorry that all of you are going through such a devastating diagnosis, especially so soon after celebrating such a happy life transition.
If you didn’t teach your son-in-law’s father the word machatunim during wedding planning, now is your chance. This is an opportunity to let him know that you share a bond that no one else understands in quite the same way. I encourage you to call or text, send cards, offer to send food or other supplies, and make sure that he knows you’re thinking of him often.
As for a visit, I think you have to tread carefully. As you say, you don’t really know each other, and now isn’t the time to overstep or impede on his final months in any way. I suggest you talk to your son-in-law (or go through your daughter) and ask what he thinks about a visit. Would his father like that? Would it be helpful to the other family members who are caregiving? Has his father brought up the idea of missing future grandkids in a way that he might want to talk about with someone, or with you specifically?
Even if you feel like it would be an appropriate gesture, even if you think it would be meaningful to you – if it’s not something he’s eager for, let his wishes come first. Get a sense of the scene from your son-in-law to understand if this visit would be a comfort to his father. If it’s not an overwhelming yes, I encourage you not to go. If a visit would be welcome, think about the many ways you could spend time together, and plan to spend more time listening than assuming you know what’s on his mind or what he’d like to hear.
Continue reaching out to your son-in-law frequently. Ask how you can help support him and his family during this time. Ask your daughter the same thing. If you want to put together a scrapbook of grandparent pictures from the wedding, feel free to do so and keep it for an appropriate moment in the future. When the time comes, think about how you will be able to support this new couple through a funeral and mourning – especially since the mourning rituals won’t be your own.
Be prepared to step up as parents-in-law, as future grandparents, and as a comforting and loving presence. The long-term presence you will be to his son may be more significant than the role you could play with future not-yet-real grandchildren. But – all of this is speculation. You don’t know how he’s feeling, and it’s not your place to assume you know. Take on a supporting role, and make sure through this whole process that you are also receiving the support that will help you support others through this difficult time.
Be well,
Miriam
