We are less than a month away from Pesach, which in the mind of the Jew means it may as well be tomorrow. In fact, if you’re just thinking about it now, you are already way behind. Most of us are already stressing about Passover 2026.
So how does one approach Pesach this year, which has been, uh, let’s say “challenging” for the Jews? Let’s start with the food, arguably the most important part of any successful Pesach (aside from the arguing). First, before thinking about your meals and what you’ll need to buy, it is CRITICAL that you not actually look at your Passover stock and see what you still have from last year. Instead, you should assume that you have nothing, despite four large boxes labeled “PASSOVER FOOD” providing evidence to the contrary. You’ll thank yourself when you end up with a third bottle of K for P duck sauce.
You’ll also need to carefully meal plan before you go shopping. Remember that Pesach is a holiday with many different customs and practices, particularly as it relates to diets. For example, some Jews eat kitniyot (rice, corn, and legumes). Some Jews don’t eat gebrochts (any mixture of matzah and water). And still others avoid mishtakot (which I just made up but which I assume will be a thing in the near future).
Finally, be sure to consult the latest OU Passover Guide to see the latest news in Pesach-misery news. Scientists in the OU Labs have spent thousands of hours finding even the slightest hint of chametz potential in all your favorite foods. This year I assume avocados will be no-gos. Perhaps we’ll start needing Passover certifications on dish soap. The possibilities are endless. (It is for this reason that my family refers solely to a crusty, water-stained copy of the 1992 OU Passover Guide).
With these preliminaries handled, it’s now time to hit the store. Ah, sorry, I meant “stores,” as you’ll need to shop at a minimum of five locations to get everything you need. First, head to the nearest Whole Foods, which will have all of your Pesach basics: matzah, grape juice, and Hanukkah gelt. Grab what you need and then head to a kosher market, where you can dig through the remains of whatever is left from people who actually have their &#$@ together and completed their shopping weeks ago (the Gemara refers these people as “insufferable”). Go to the register and ring up your order, which should total – rounding to the nearest whole number – a bazillion dollars.
I’m just joking! It will probably be less than that, though still require a second mortgage. And while you may recoil, just remember that you are satisfying the oft-forgotten biblical commandment: “Thou shalt spend $8 on watery pasta sauce.”
After you’ve moved on to Costco, Cub, your therapist’s office, and Trader Joe’s, it’s time to head on home and start digging into your Passover boxes, which are kindly being protected by a large community of spiders. Bring everything up and start unpacking. (This is all assuming that you have already cleaned your house for Pesach (ha!). If you haven’t, store your groceries until cleaning is completed, likely 30 seconds before the holiday begins.)
Open everything up and make sure you have everything you need: two sets of Passover dishes, various dry goods with expiration dates from the Great Depression, and a thousand other miscellaneous items that you needed a single time many years ago but which will now follow you to the day you die. (Much like the Pharaohs were buried with their treasures, so too will you be buried with your favorite Passover hand mixer.)
And of course, you need to unpack your supplies for Passover’s main event: the seders, in which we retell the story of the exodus from Egypt, after which things only got better for the Jews and we all lived happily ever after. (Israeli readers may laugh at the notion of a second seder, but the joke is on you – I LOVE two seders. Family arguments often cannot be confined to a single meal, and everyone appreciates the extra time to rehearse). You will obviously need a seder plate, cups for wine, Xanax, and at least 7 haggadot per family member.
Now stand back and take a moment to appreciate all of the work you’ve done. Then take another moment to realize you forgot multiple items on your shopping list. Call your banker about a third mortgage.
Good news! You are now officially ready for Pesach. The bad news, of course, is that you must now get through Pesach.
