Before I had kids, I was the perfect parent.
What I mean is that I certainly had an idea of how I wanted to do this job, and I was absolutely convinced of what I would and wouldn’t do. For example, I planned to feed them while they sat at the dining room table so that our home would remain clean, without crumbs in random places.
That fantasy lasted for about 18 months, when our oldest started walking and we had our second child. One day, I was feeding the baby when our toddler came out from behind the chair I was sitting in with a fistful of peanut butter. I hadn’t fed them peanut butter in about a week, and to this day, I don’t know where it came from.
Also, let’s re-read the part about the house “remaining” clean. LOL.
Anyway, in my pre-parenting perfection, I certainly did not envision ever lying to my children. But many years and many lessons in humility later, I’ve had the opportunity to consider a more nuanced approach to the role of parent.
I try to be honest with my kids, to the degree that I can be and is appropriate for their ages. We didn’t tell them there was a Tooth Fairy and when they asked where babies came from, I gave them a brief, age-appropriate and accurate answer. And because they trust me to be open and honest with them, I will sometimes tell them that there are things I either can’t tell them or simply don’t feel comfortable talking with them about, and they will respect that.
But recently, I was challenged to find complete and honest answers to some questions one of my children had about Israeli hostages. I was very emotional as the Israeli government attempted to work out the details of a ceasefire agreement, and felt agitated in the days leading up to the first hostages coming home. Having recently visited Israel, I feel very connected to the situation. I had visited the ravaged Kibbutz Kfar Aza, where two of the first hostages to be released, Emily Damari and Doron Steinbrecher, had been kidnapped from. I had heard Tsachi Idan’s sister tell the story of his kidnapping at the Hostages and Missing Families Forum.
My oldest child, who is in elementary school, could tell I was off and noticed I was checking the news a lot. Then, on the Sunday that the first three hostages were released, they happened to catch a glimpse of my phone and saw a clip of Hamas militants. They asked questions about why their faces were covered, why they were wearing all black, and why they weren’t wearing uniforms.
I wanted to be honest with my child, because I value honesty and I want them to trust me. And yet, I was not comfortable giving them all the information I knew, because the situation was scary and I didn’t believe it would be appropriate for them to know all the details.
I answered their questions as openly and honestly as I could. Their faces were covered because they did not want to be recognized. They were wearing all black so they could be identified as being part of Hamas, and probably also to be intimidating. They weren’t wearing uniforms because they are terrorists, not an army.
They listened carefully but were quiet for a few days. Finally, they returned and said, I don’t understand what’s happening and I don’t think you’re telling me everything. I want to read more about it, I want to see more videos, and I want to ask you more questions.
I had to dig deeply into my philosophy of parenting to be able to respond to these questions. I felt that two of my values were in conflict: my commitment to my child’s psychological safety and my commitment to being honest with them.
My ultimate responsibility in raising children is to prepare them to live in the world independently. And yet, that doesn’t mean giving them unfettered access to the realities of the world. Although they assured me they could handle it, I ultimately said no. My husband agreed. If they have specific questions, they can ask us.
At some point, probably sooner than I realize, they will be old enough to seek the information on their own, without my guidance. When that time comes, I hope they will remember that I provided them with the best guidance I could and that there is an open door for honest answers when they have questions.
