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Dear Miriam,
My partner and I are hosting my in-laws for the first days of Passover. I come from a conservative background, and he comes from a Modern Orthodox background. Pesach is already a bit of a fraught time for us since we have to renegotiate our personal kashrut standards and come to a consensus on what we are comfortable with in our home. In terms of meals with friends (not just on Passover), our general policy is “if a friend considers their house kosher enough for us, then we don’t ask questions and assume it is.” Because we know my in-laws are coming from a stricter community, my partner isn’t sure if this policy should still apply and wants to be more selective about who we share meals with. I feel like this puts us in an uncomfortable position with friends and is ultimately going to result in us eating more meals alone. Any advice on how to navigate these decisions while respecting everyone’s kashrut and social needs?
Signed,
Kosher Laws for the In-Laws
Dear Kosher,
You are in good company in describing Pesach (Passover) as a fraught time for your family. Indeed, many a rational and sane human being has been known to cover their entire kitchen in tinfoil, wield a blowtorch around with abandon, and refrain from eating perfectly unleavened vegetation because it falls in an ambiguous and outdated category called kitniyot. And, to be clear, I don’t fault or judge anyone for any of this! Pesach inspires a lot of rule-following for many people, and the best any of us can do is to do our best and treat our family and friends with respect in the process.
I know I’ve already lost, like, half my readers with that description of getting ready for the holiday, but actually, that’s kind of the point: If you have a particular practice when it comes to Pesach, it’s a given, second-nature, difficult but still obvious. And if you don’t, you don’t, and everyone else seems kind of obsessive. But if people are committed to the holiday in any way, they likely understand at least some of these dynamics.
In every community I’ve ever been part of, there’s been an understanding that not everyone has the same standards when it comes to food, and especially food on Pesach, and especially when it comes to family members. Being up front about your family’s policies and standards is the best way to go. Having an honest conversation with friends will help you know where you feel you can safely eat with your in-laws. No one needs to be embarrassed or feel bad, and if you sense someone does, you have the option to blame your in-laws!
First, though, you need to talk to your in-laws or, more accurately, task your partner with doing so. Maybe they’re more flexible than you think. Maybe they are willing to follow your lead with your friends. The other direction here is that if they’re not willing to eat at your friends’ homes, then maybe they are willing to help with the cooking (or, and I cannot overstate this, the catering bill). Hosting additional meals may still be better than feeling isolated and having only family at every meal.
Whatever you do, set the expectations long before your in-laws arrive. Talk in clear terms about what and where they are and are not willing to eat, and whether and when there’s any wiggle room. Some of the stress here seems to come from having a lot of unknowns, so manage the parts you can control and, seriously, task your partner with the rest.
Be well,
Miriam
