The countdown has begun. Less than a year. Eleven and a half months. Fifty weeks. About 350 days. That’s how long until my oldest child stands behind the bimah on her bat mitzvah day.
As a parent, mixed emotions surround this historic event. Here’s a few:
- Amazed that my little girl is on the verge of becoming a Jewish adult.
- Confident that her Jewish day school training has prepared her for the Hebrew, spiritual, and social significance of the day.
- Intimidated by the amount of planning and preparation I have to do.
- Scared shitless about what this is going to cost me.
To step back for a moment, a couple months ago on this site I wrote about the 25th anniversary of my Bar Mitzvah, and my success (or lack of) as a Jewish adult. That’s all fun and good, but now I’m looking at the b’nai mitzvah experience from the perspective of a parent, and that is something very, very different.
Feeling under informed and overwhelmed, I’m turning to the TC Jewfolk community to help guide me through. Instead of using this page to spout out uninformed opinions on the topic, I’m more interested in starting a discussion with all of you, hearing from those of you that have gone through this before, and those like me that are in the process for the first time. I’m hoping, using the comment section below, we can share experiences and opinions with each other that just might benefit myself and others. On behalf of all the amazed, confident, intimidated, scared shitless parents with 2012 b’nai mitzvot, I’m looking to all of you to keep this discussion going.
The topic is deep and complex, so here are some discussion starters.
- I’m sure my mother, as wonderful as she is, will want to be very active in the planning of the event and guest list. Is that a good thing or a recipe for disaster?
- I lean towards simplicity when it comes to meals and parties and general hoopla. Will that lack of “keeping up with the Jones’s” (or Silvergoldsteinbergawitz’s) have a negative affect on my daughter in any way?
- My ex-in-laws and their families are not Jewish. How do we include them, and do any of them (beyond the grandparents) even want to be included?
- At what point in the past 25 years did lunch for the congregation become mandatory?
- Fortunately I get along with my ex-wife very well, but how does a split household affect the planning and executing of a b’nai mitzvah?
I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this important Jewish life event, and if the interest is strong, I’ll continue to blog about it throughout 2012.
OK, I’ll start. As you know, I am, too, a 2012 Bar Mitzvah parent, and you know our plans – going to Israel to celebrate Nathan’s Bar Mitzvah.
I, myself, having been born and raised in Russia, have not had the chance to have a Bat Mitzvah, nor to get any sort of Jewish education. But I have been a B’nai Mitzvah parent twice already, with my two older kids, and one coming up after Nathan, and I think all four will have been very different.
Angela’s Bat Mitzvah was when I was still married to my children’s father, and it was a fancy-shmancy event. Shabbat morning service, lunch for the congregation, closing down a restaurant for an evening of high-class entertainment, kids – with their own band/dj, adults – with their own. We invited pretty much everybody we knew. The total cost of that event was higher than that for both of my weddings combined. Everybody loved it. I was stressed out like hell, since I was the only one doing all the planning and preparations, and the younger kids were only 3 and 4, but I was a stay-at-home mom, and had the luxury of flexible schedule to be able to do all that work.
Aaron’s Bar Mitzvah fell on the year after his father and I got divorced. Aaron, in general, (unlike Angela) does not like to draw a lot of attention to himself, plus the idea of having all of his friends “officially” and publicly see his parents as divorced, made him feel uncomfortable. He said he does not want a party at all. I tried to convince him otherwise, but was unsuccessful. Aaron had a Mincha service Bar Mitzvah, with only about 20 of the closest friends and relatives attending, and then a low-key dinner for 20 at a restaurant. That’s it. Aaron, who is now a thriving 19-year-old freshman in college, seems in no way, shape, or form to be negatively affected by his lack of fancy Bar Mitzvah party experience. He has lots of friends, many of them Jewish, occasionally attends synagogue services, absolutely loved his Birth Right trip to Israel last summer, and fully identifies himself as a Jew. He has never once given me any sort of guilt trip about not throwing him a big party.
Nathan, whose Bar Mitzvah is coming up in June of next year, is having his Bar Mitzvah in Israel. The four of us (Nathan, I, my husband (kids’ step-father), and my youngest, Nikki) are going on a trip to Israel for the first time for all four of us, and as part of the itinerary, Nathan’s Bar Mitzvah will be celebrated in Masada, along with 4 or 5 other B’nai Mitvah kids in our tour group. The whole program looks absolutely amazing, and we are ecstatic with anticipation! Even though the cost for the 4 of us is higher than Angela’s Bat Mitzvah was for over 130 people, we think it is money well spent. The downside – Nathan will not be able to invite his friends to his party. How this fact will affect him in long term remains to be seen, but, to be very honest with you – I have absolutely no concern about it whatever. He gets invited to a lot of B’nai Mitvahs this year, and a lot of times he barely knows the kid, and a few times he literally did not know who the person was who invited him to his Bar Mitzvah! I tried to help (“Think, is it somebody from your school?” “Don’t think so… not sure”. “Is it somebody from SMP?” “yeah, maybe, not sure…” “From Herzl? From Talmud Torah?” “I don’t know, mom!!!”) But he sure has a great time at all of the parties! : )
What I am doing with Nikki’s Bat Mizvah in 2.5 years, I have no idea yet. I think it will be something halfway between Angela’s and Aaron’s. We’ll see.
So, that’s my experience. What are you planning?
I’m not a parent, but in regard to providing lunch, here is my understanding of it: Your child is about to enter the Jewish community as a person old enough to be responsible for his/her own actions. The lunch is your child’s first event with the community that she/he just joined moments before on the bimah.
Any other party/meal/celebration with family and friends is extraneous – it may be great fun, but the important meal is the lunch with the Jewish community that your child has just joined. This lunch is with the community that has been, and will continue to be, nurturing your child’s spiritual growth throughout his/her life, God willing.
Susan, I really like your explanation about the luncheon. I’m way on board for that. I don’t know what I will do for the evenings, maybe dependent on the number of out of town guests, but the lunch is a good place to start.
Olga, not at all surprised you’ve tried one of everything. Big and glitzy, small and intimate, oversees. Not sure what is left for you to do for Nikki, maybe Hawaiian theme, NASCAR theme, Under the Sea theme. 🙂
Anybody out there from an interfaith household that has hosted a b’nai mitzvah have something to add?