During Yom Kippur we confess almost 200 times in our prayers to sins connected with our speech.
Out of the 44 sins in the “Al Cheit” prayer, 11 are associated with words we say or write.
It’s one of the sins that is the most difficult for any of us to avoid.
Words slip out of our mouths without a second thought as soon as we think of a good retort to something someone said.
When we read something we disagree with online, we write a seething comment and press ‘send’ and within seconds it’s out there for the whole world to read.
It would be bad enough if it was confined to adults arguing and ranting at each other but we know that cyber bullying has caused so many tragic suicides among even pre-teenage children.
When I was young there was a popular saying: “Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me,” but Judaism has always known that this was totally untrue.
In an interview three months ago, Ivanka Trump. former President Trump’s daughter who converted to Judaism, taught the world about the concept of “Lashon Hora”
The interviewer commented on her lack of response to all the unpleasant comments she received online when her father was President and her husband was working with him.
She replied that it went against her nature to get into the mud and fight back. She explained “There’s a concept in Judaism called Lashon Hara, which means evil speech. The idea is that speaking poorly of another is almost the moral equivalent to murder, because you can’t really repair it. You can apologize, but you can’t repair it.”
If you steal or cheat someone you can repay the money lost, but there is no way you can repair the damage done by harmful speech.
Think of the times that newspapers’ headlines are totally misleading and even outright lies, very common in stories about Israel. The next day, occasionally in some small corner of page 10, you may see a tiny correction – but who reads it?
The damage has been done and can’t be undone.
But it isn’t easy to bite back that retort, to hold off pressing ‘send’.
And the Torah is well aware of the tremendous strength needed to control our speech and we are told of the immeasurable rewards for someone who holds his tongue at a time when he could have answered back.
Chazal (our sages) tell us that for every moment a person closes his mouth and doesn’t speak Lashon Hara, he is given reward that no angel or creation can ever imagine or envision.
So how can we try and receive such a reward and control what we say and write?
Before you say or write anything ask yourself:
- Am I sure that this is true? It isn’t just newspapers that need to fact-check before they print.
- Even if it is true is there any benefit to my saying this?
- Will I upset anyone if I say it?
- Before sending an online comment…wait an hour. No one is waiting for your reply.
Then before you reply ask yourself all the above questions. - STOP AND THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK – just count to 10.
- When you draft an email, make sure the “to” line is blank. That way you can’t hit ‘send’ by mistake/without thinking. Write the email then decide who needs to see it. And don’t hit ‘reply all’ without deciding if everyone really needs to see your reply.
- Don’t use derogatory nicknames; treat everyone with respect.
- Don’t enter a shop and ask the price of things when you have no intention of buying anything.
- If you need to criticize someone, whether it is an employee/co-worker/one of your children, speak kindly and surround your criticism with encouragement.
- If someone tells you something personal, do not repeat it to anyone unless you get permission to do so – even if you weren’t told it is a secret.
It’s not easy – and like so many worthwhile things it can take time to get into the habit of checking your words.
But the reward is great.
Thank you for this advice–it is very much needed during these tense and painful times. One item in your list, however, contradicts the vital Jewish tenet of Tikkun Olam: “Will I upset anyone if I say it?” It is not possible to “repair the world” and work towards positive change without upsetting someone. Indeed, upsetting someone’s bigoted or wilfully ignorant or predatory beliefs/actions is necessary. Doing so in a pricipled, conscientious way, with compassion and with concrete plans for how to make changes for the better, is what the world needs now. Thank you again for bringing up this important subject!