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Dear Miriam,
My daughter has asked for an advent calendar this year, repeatedly, with increasing urgency as December approaches. My husband and I are both Jewish, our family is quite involved in our community, and she’s never expressed interest in celebrating Christmas before. I’m not sure what to make of the request. What do you think?
Signed,
Avoiding Advent, or Not
Dear Advent,
Have you asked your daughter why she wants an advent calendar? Start there. Is she actually interested in counting down the days to Christmas, or does she like the idea of a cute little ritual with cute little doors to open? Understanding her motivation will likely help you figure out the best way to respond to her request.
If she likes the idea of a little gift every day, encourage her to think creatively about what she already has. Maybe she can line up 25 pieces of gum or still remaining Halloween candy or little trinkets from birthday parties and the dentist. Perhaps you could set up a scavenger hunt or advent door opening equivalent with those items for her, or she could do so for a younger sibling or neighbor. Maybe she can make a list of 25 little self-care treats for herself to enjoy over the next month, like painting her nails or texting a camp friend she doesn’t see very often.
If she really wants to buy a thing, whether it’s an advent calendar with chocolate or toys or tea, consider letting her spend her own money on it and doing with it what she pleases. She might open them all on the first day or use it to count down to her birthday or play pretend Christmas. Whatever she does with it is probably harmless. Further, saying yes is likely to take the mystique away much faster than saying no and denying the thing she’s asking for.
In case you’re wondering, no, I wouldn’t say the same for having a Christmas tree, which is a public symbol that represents another religion on a deeper level. An advent calendar and a Christmas tree are not equivalent, even if advent may technically be a more religious concept. You can use the conversations I suggested at the beginning to try to determine if she’s feeling left out at school or anticipating feeling left out as Christmas approaches. You can – and should – talk about all the things that it’s important for parents of Jewish kids to talk about this time of year in terms of pride and identity and Jewish joy.
Arguably, those conversations are more important this year than they’ve ever been in your daughter’s lifetime. And speaking of this year, we happen to have the rare coincidence of having Hanukkah begin on Christmas. If your daughter really wants a calendar with little treats to count down to the 25th, count down to the 25th of Kislev – which just so happens to take place on the 25th of December, 2024. It’s a win-win for your daughter, for your relationship with your daughter, and for your daughter’s relationship to Judaism.
Be well,
Miriam
