Top 10 Rules if You're Dating a Jewish Woman on Valentine's Day

Visualize the Chuppah.

Let’s face it guys. Valentine’s Day is a woman’s holiday. As in, the show-the-woman-that-you’re-dating-engaged-or-married-to-that-she’s-the-one holiday.*
Again. Because it doesn’t matter that you show her you love her every other day.
No woman remembers how many times you cooked for her,washed the dishes, put the kids to sleep, or rubbed her back when February 14th comes around. Call it media exploitation and a Hallmark Holiday, but you’re stuck. You have to do SOMETHING for Valentine’s Day.
And if you’re dating a Jewish woman? Let’s just say there are a few rules you should keep in mind when preparing your special something for Valentine’s Day.

    1. Jewesses are planners.

So let us know ahead of time that you’re planning something because otherwise we’ll (naturally) start freaking out, and perhaps (G-d forbid) suggest something for us to do on V-day, which spoils the whole fun of YOU thinking of the something special.

    2. Nu, plan something we’ll remember.

It doesn’t have to be elaborate, or even cost anything. Just give us something we’ll remember a week, a month, a year from now. Sign the two of us up for a couples’ cooking class, or make dinner at home. Or go to the closest flower garden, hold our hands amidst the roses and remind us why you love us.
Whatever. You’re creative, you can do this. That’s one of the reason your hot Jewess loves you.

    3. If you’re going to go all out, be smart.

Know your Jewess. Is she a theater goer? A jazz lover? A sports fan? Pick an evening activity and you will like and she will love. Don’t buy the best seats to a hockey game when you know your lady will be scanning the exits the entire time.
A top-notch restaurant can never hurt.

    4. Forget the chocolate.

Even if your fabulous Jewess is not a yoga mama, or a health food conscious co-op member, she’s still trying to steer away from increasing the size of her hips. We’re already a bit more deliciously curvy than the average female – help us show it off, not boost it in ways we’d rather not.

    5. Which brings me to, lingerie.

Bring it on. But either buy your Jewess something you know she’ll like, or buy her a gift card to Victoria’s Secret and go shopping together. If you just started dating, skip this one. If she’s for real, you’ll have many more years to explore these type of gifts.

    6. Don’t buy her something practical.

Yes, she needs a new suit for work. And she ran out of her favorite hair gel. But this is not the time to get her those kind of things. Jewesses are resourceful. We can get those things for ourselves.
And don’t get anything for the Kitchen – new pots/plans/knives, etc. She knows you love her food, but those gifts aren’t romantic. Buy her the kitchen stuff next week instead.

    7. For pricey gifts, know your lady.

When it comes to nice gifts, jewelry is a good bet, unless you’re scrimping and saving this year and buying luxuries will make your Jewess freak out. Art is also lovely, if you know she’s a big fan of a certain artist; otherwise it could be risky, especially if no returns are allowed.
If you can, buy your jewelry from TC Jewfolk’s store so we get a percentage (4-10%) of your Valentine’s Day love. We’ve picked out a few pieces we think she’ll like.

    8. A big card goes a long way.

Have you seen the cards at Blockbuster? They’re like 2 feet long. We’re a people of hand gestures and loud talking – we want a card that screams I love you! Other big things (like large bouquets or helium teddy bear balloons) are also good ideas. Use caution on whether to send large things to her work – yes, if she’s a waitress, no, if she’s a lawyer.

    9. Flowers.

So simple. They make us feel womanly. They smell good. Especially roses. Red ones. Don’t hold back, but realize that these days, you can get a stunning bouquet at Bachman’s or any flower shop for $20 (maybe less). Isn’t your Jewess worth it?

    10. Think of your Bubbe.

Your Bubbe wants to see you with this Jewess under the chuppah and happily forever after, nu?  So show your girlfriend/wife/fiance that you know that this silly, goyishe holiday means something to her, and that – above all – she means something incredibly special to you.
Let us know your suggestions for dating Jewish women on Valentine’s Day in the comments. And ladies – let me know if I’m missing any critical rules!
Have a sexy, romantic, and memorable holiday.
(Photo: Vicki Wolkins Photography)
*FYI – BIG CAVEAT to this post. I realize that this post is heterosexist. If you’re a gay or lesbian Jew reading this post, please let us know what this holiday means – or doesn’t mean – to you. Especially when so many of the messages around Valentine’s Day are about guys and their ladies, Jewesses or not. I can only write about what I know, as a straight female Jewess. So I hope you all chime in too.