Ever since college, my preference in synagogue and Jewish affiliation has raised eyebrows among those who know me best. I would describe myself as career driven, outspoken, and humorous (not always in a PG way). So why, I have been asked many a time, would I choose to affiliate myself with the Orthodox movement? After all, aren’t they sexist? Don’t I feel repressed? Disrespected?
No. Not at all.
Let me start by saying that when it comes to how an individual practices Judaism I’m very much a live and let live type of gal. What’s right for me may not be right for you and vice versa. And that’s okay. I am well aware that the role of women in Judaism is a hot button issue and I expect this post to spark some debate. In fact I hope it does. However, I feel there is an unfortunate misperception of women in Orthodox Judaism and it’s time to start setting the record straight. So after a long discussion with an Orthodox rabbi, completing a thorough information dig at Chabad.org, and reading some of the Rebbe’s teachings here is what I have to say on the matter…
Simply put, men and women are obligated to perform different mitzvot. Men are commanded to put on tefillin, wear a kippa and read from the torah. Women light shabbos candles, go to the mikvah, and perform the separation of the challah. Male mitzvot tend to be more external. More outwardly evident. But that doesn’t make their mitzvot any more important.
In fact, in Orthodox Judaism women are considered to be more divine and spiritually inclined than men and are described as being the pillar of the home and family.
Now I know for some of you the above statement conjures up the image of a 1950’s housewife with an embroidered apron, phony smile and secret desire for some intellectual stimulation. However, this couldn’t be farther from the truth. Orthodox women can get an education, have a career, and still be the backbone of the home and family. A woman sets the spiritual tone of the household. She is the guiding educational force for her children. A prime example of how to be both modest and driven, strong in opinion but open to compromise, and curious but wise.
So do I feel repressed or disrespected? No. I feel empowered.
I’ve had many friends ask me if I’ve ever wanted to perform the mitzvah of a man. My answer is always no. What would my motivation be for doing it? To be equal? In Judaism (and I’d argue in life) men and women are equals. They’re just different. And that difference is beautiful.
How do you define your role as a Jewish woman? What mitzvot hold special meaning for you? Are you an Orthodox woman breaking the stereotypes? Tell me all about it ladies! Note: Gentlemen may chime in as well.
(Image: grongar)
Live and let live is exactly right – but this Reformative (or is it Conservaform?) Jew would like to add his two cents from a personal perspective. I realize that my story is a personal one so I want to make it clear that I am not generalizing in any way. I do acknowledge that orthodox women can get that education and have that career and I’m sure there are some women like that out there. What I saw living in New York City for most of my life was a different story. I saw very young girls getting married to men they barely knew. I saw these young girls dropping any career aspirations as soon as the children came along (which was almost immediately). And I really didn’t see any mothers of 8, 9, or 10 kids heading off to the office.
And now getting really personal…
I grew up in a Conservative environment and my best friend was actually a girl named Wendy. We went to school together from pre-school through high school (including Hebrew school). We even went to the prom together. Wendy was a textbook overachiever who was destined to do in life whatever she chose to do.
In college, Wendy became more and more observant. She became Shoshannah to people who didn’t know her beforehand and she began to distance herself from those of us who did.
But Wendy was a little different in that she poured herself into her studies and schoolwork. Marriage was not a priority. She got a master’s degree and became a physical therapist. Along the way, I was engaged to be married right here in Minnesota. At that point, we had been friends for 23 of our 26 years. And while the distance between us continued to grow as Wendy sunk into her new orthodox lifestyle, we were still friends. We had our rough patches, but our friendship was deep enough to overcome those periods. Or so I thought.
Painful efforts to accommodate her kosher diet and shabbos rules were rebuffed. I had even arranged a place for her to stay that was walking distance to Temple Israel so she could make the pre-sundown ceremony. An invitation went out in the mail, but I did not get a reply. That was 10 years ago and I have not heard from her since.
It became painfully obvious that her new lifestyle had no place for me. It was really painful at our 10th high school reunion when dozens of people came up to me asking about Wendy. “Wendy doesn’t exist anymore,” I replied again and again.
In case you’re keeping score, Shoshannah married some guy she barely knew (I think after 2 months), quit her job, and started popping out the kids. At last count, I think there were 5 kids under the age of 6.
Am I a little sad about this? Of course. Bitter? Definitely. But I also know that there is no way our G-d would approve of this behavior.
This is the story of an orthodox woman that I knew.
I would like to thank Lindsay for writing this article and hopefully opening up some eyes about the role of a Jewish orthodox woman. I happen to be an orthodox woman, and I am in no way trying to convince you all to live in the way that I chose to live.
that being said, I most comment on Jeff’s comment.
first I will start out with my definition of an orthodox Jewish woman’s role.
In an orthodox Jewish home, the woman is called in Hebrew akeret habayit. The meaning of this term is the mainstay of the home. she is the one responsible for setting the atmosphere of the home.
I have been married for three years and am the mother of one. no, not all religious women have ten babies under ten. I work a proffesional job asnd attended college, as do the majority of my orthodox friends, right here in the twin cities. in fact, it is many of my non orhodox friends who have chosen to be stay at hoe moms. I applaud them for this.
I am not goung to go on asnd on, but I do want to add to you, Jeff, that maybe your friend never got your wedding invite? there is a concept in judaism to judge others favorably. even if she did get it, did she know of your arrangements to make it kosher? did you respect the fact that an orthodox woman (or man) would not feel comfortable going to a wedding on shabbat? even if she did walk there? where would she celebrate shabbat observantly in uptown?
do not write off orthodox women for your reasons!
Thanks for your comments Jeff and Yaeli. Glad you’re helping to spark a conversation!
Jeff – Losing a friend is an extremely difficult thing and I’m sorry you had to have that experience. With that said, I think your story is less about religion and more about friendship.
Had Wendy remained in touch and your friendship had continued to flourish, I’m not sure her decision to keep Kosher, give up her career to raise a family, or even her inability to attend your wedding would have bothered you as much. If you knew she was happier and more at ease in her new role I am sure, as the good friend that you were, you would have supported her 100%.
However, it sounds like Wendy dropped the ball which is unfortunate. Good and bad friends come from all races, religions and backgrounds. So as you said in your post – be careful not to generalize.
First of all, yaeli, if you can’t spell professional – or proofread for that matter – I have a hard time believing you are one.
Second of all, lindsay, how do you reconcile your female “empowerment” with stories like the Brooklyn paper that photoshopped out our Secretary of State and Director of Antiterrorism because they are women? They are some of the most powerful women in US govt, but because they are female, they can’t exist in print? That’s empowerment? No, it’s BS.
Can you wear pants? No! Can you show your shoulders? No. Your own hair? No. Can you sing or listen to a female singer? No. Can you even touch the torah? No. Women are subjugated in your religion, and you are brainwashed into thinking it’s freedom. It’s bologna.
Hi Frank –
Thanks for your comment. I should probably start by setting the record straight about myself. I don’t lead a completely Orthodox lifestyle. I wear pants, don’t cover my hair, listen (and sing) to Lady GaGa and work as an Account Coordinator at an advertising agency. However, I still affiliate myself with the Orthodox movement and belong to a Chabad shul. Despite the fact that I do all of the things listed above, I am fully accepted and respected within that community.
In terms of the Brooklyn paper story, I agree with you one hundred percent! I was appalled when I saw the story on the news last night. The individuals responsible for that distasteful decision are what I personally would consider extremists. They are interpreting the laws of modesty in a way that I find to be radical and unsubstantiated. The majority of Orthodox communities have pictures of women in their newsletters and on their websites. I know my community does. I would hate for you to make a judgment on the entire Orthodox movement based on such a small, skewed faction.
If you saw a story on the news about someone of a given racial background (be it African American, Caucasian, Hispanic etc.) committing a murder would you assume all of the individuals – or even a large portion of them – who make up that race are murderers? My guess is no. This is a similar situation. To assume that all Orthodox men are sexist based on such stories would be unfair.
The Orthodox women that I know are some of the most outspoken, compassionate, and intelligent women I have ever met. Their husbands respect them, ask their opinion, encourage them to pursue their aspirations, and value them as partners in life (not just the home). You are absolutely entitled to your opinion but I hope you will reconsider.
I liked reading this post, Lindsay!
It astounds me how unwilling people can be to see past extremists, and to see how many shades of gray exist. Judaism isn’t a static, unchanging religion; it’s dynamic, and women such as yourself, who demonstrate their devotion to observance while also driving Judaism into the future, are so inspiring and important. Judaism will simply die if it cannot adapt, and that is why it has kept adapting. If people would like to see Orthodoxy embrace women in increasingly positive ways, it’s time to hold up women like you as examples, rather than attempting to discredit the entire institution.
Frank and Jeff,
I am also an orthodox woman, and I strongly disagree with your posts. Why do Jews always have to fight other Jews? G-d forbid we should all act in unity?
Frank, to your comment about the newspaper that edited the picture of Hilary clinton, Yes, it was a poor mistake, made by one newspaper in Brooklyn, that practicaly no orthodox Jewish person, outside of Brooklyn has ever heard of. Furthermore, why do you care what they chose to do? I the Catholics did it, would you have said a word? of course not.
Anyway, if you could only try to learn a little bit about orthodox Judaism, maybe you would stop hating your fellow Jews. Judaism (at least orthodoxy) is about loving all fellow Jews and treating them like brothers. lets start practicing that before you go ahead and bash the rest of us.
Men are also obligated to light shabbos candles, go to the mikvah, and separate challah.
Men are not obligated, technically, in wearing a kippah, nor are they obligated to read from the Torah.
The congregation is obligated to read the Torah, and since only men are obligated to study Torah, it is considered an embarrassment to the congregation for a woman to read instead of a man, because it casts aspersions of ignorance on the entire community.
You go girl. I am very proud of you.
To yaell:
As I stated at the beginning of my comment, my story was a personal one and not a generalization. The title of the piece is “The Misperception of the Orthodox Jewish Woman.” I was just relaying my perception.
For the record, she did receive the invitation and she knew of my efforts to accommodate her. Part of my point here is that I was willing to go the extra mile out of respect for her and her needs, while she chose otherwise. I’m no rabbinical scholar, but I can’t imagine any logical rabbi frowning upon one Jew going to a synagogue to attend another Jew’s wedding.
To Lindsay:
I beg to differ. My story is clearly about religion and one person’s adherence to religious rules above and beyond friendship, common sense, and human decency. My version of Judaism puts people above anything else. Even though we grew up with the same Jewish education, at some point Wendy’s version took a sharp left turn.
People who keep kosher don’t necessarily bother me. Women who abandon massive amounts of education and accompanying careers don’t necessarily bother me. People who use religion to end lifelong friendships bother me.
To shira:
I don’t hate my fellow Jews at all. What I hate is the contradiction. Judaism IS about loving all fellow Jews and treating them like brothers and sisters. It’s not about loving them with conditions.
Tiffany –
Thank you for the beautiful comment! I am flattered. You understand exactly what I’m trying to say. Judaism isn’t black and white. We shouldn’t be defined by the stereotype of our Jewish sect and gender roles. There is so much more to it. I hope we can continue the conversation as a Jewish community and learn to love and accept that we are all part of a larger family – whether or not we agree with one another 100% of the time.
Great topic!
George, You are partially correct. But to be more accurate:
1) Men’s going to Mikvah is a custom not an obligation. For Women it is a biblical Mitzvah/obligation.
2) Men are required by Rabbinic instruction to wear a Kippah, or head covering, while not being a biblical obligation it is a institution of the Rabbis, like washing your hands for bread.
3)Regarding the reading of the Torah, that was actually instituted by Moses that the Torah should be read -and heard – by the congregation, and as with (almost) all positive laws that have a specific, women are not obligated to do it.
4) the lighting of the Shabat candles by men is only when there is no women in the house to light, (it is reallt their obligation) just like a women would make the kiddush in no men were there.
5) The Mitzvah of Challah ha s special spiritual connection to women – but that is done equally by both men and women.
Lindsay: Thank you so much your piece. I appreciate that you took a risk by speaking the truth of your experience. I think it’s wonderful and amazing that we can both have a place in the gigantic and timeless tent that is Judaism and the Jewish People.
Yasher koach! !ישר כח
Chris
Good for you, L. Brave post and brave topic considering how strongly people feel on both sides. I’m someone who considers myself “Reformadox.” I like traditional things but don’t fully do everything, nor do I know that I ever could. We do, however, go to Chabad often and I’m not at all “offended” by any of it. I’m often confused by women who insist on wearing kippot, tallit, etc, but have never tried the mikvah. But that’s a post for another time. 😉 (Actually, I have one about the mikvah coming up on TCJewfolk soon.)
This is a really great post and is clearly generating a lot of deep emotions and conversation.
There are misconceptions abound when it comes to ritual practice. Posts like this, and Nina’s posts on movement identification and mikvah, are essential for clearing up the misunderstandings in order to create a more open-minded Jewish community.