The Torah outlines the educational responsibilities of parents toward their children clearly and unambiguously with statements such as, “you shall teach these words [i.e., the words of the Shema describing God’s unity and the obligation to love God] diligently to your children” (Deuteronomy 6:7).
It’s not to make our children happy or to remove frustration from their lives.
We are responsible for keeping them safe, feeding and clothing them, advocating for them and doing our best for them. We need to provide them with a secure emotional base, where they feel psychologically safe and that they can explore from, returning to us to reflect, heal if they are hurt, and grow as they explore further into the wider world.
We are not responsible for making them happy, removing barriers, or making life easier for them.
I do feel that I am responsible for helping my children to build their resilience. Resilience is the ability to adjust and recover, cope with discomfort, and to have buoyancy. Resilience means that our children have the skills they need for life: Tolerance for frustration, confidence in themselves when something doesn’t turn out the way they envisioned, to recover and regroup, and try again. This allows them to grow, achieve, and succeed.
Difficult feelings and experiences cannot be avoided in life. And yet, it’s very tempting to remove barriers and frustration for our children.
I have a hard time dealing with my own frustration. Resilience is not something that was emphasized in my childhood, and I continue to purposefully walk through these feelings as an adult. I find it really difficult to deal with my children’s frustration and disappointment. Part of the hard work of my parenthood has been to sit in my own discomfort when these situations inevitably come up, because my instinct is to interrupt their process and fix things, even if they haven’t asked for help.
Judah captures this dynamic powerfully in the book of Genesis. He is attempting to explain why his father, Jacob, loves his youngest son, Benjamin, so intensely. Judah explains it is “because their souls are each bound up with the other’s.” (Genesis 44:30)
There have been times when I have felt in my body a physical sense of discomfort when my children experience strong emotions. Frankly, in the moment, it would be easier to complete the task for them, give into a tantrum, or agree to what they want.
But I know that if I cannot tolerate their uncomfortable feelings, they will learn that those feelings are overwhelming and intolerable. If I can sit with them in their discomfort, they will learn that those feelings are unpleasant, but also temporary and bearable.
I have a tendency to think that whatever is happening right now is what will continue to happen, forever. Even though I know change is a constant, there is a cognitive bias in human brains to believe that things will continue this way.
But children grow, and even though the days are long, the years are short. Keeping perspective on the long game is important and can also make a challenging stage of childhood not seem quite as difficult. Remembering their current age and developmental stage, while also our ultimate goal, for them to grow into menschlichkeit, is helpful.
I embrace the idea that how I respond to strong emotions today will impact how my children will respond to their strong emotions in the future. I am providing them with a secure emotional base, a strong message that I believe they are capable, and a script for how they can respond in the future.
