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Dear Miriam,
It’s youth sports season, and I have a question about etiquette when it comes to the other parents. I hear a lot of parents (especially but not exclusively dads) yelling at their kids to “try harder,” “look alive,” “get your head in the game,” etc., and going to their kids on the sidelines to critique their performances. I think this is bad for their kids and disrespectful to the coaches. I want to counter this by cheering extra for the kids whose parents are especially negative, but I don’t want to look like I’m criticizing their parenting. What’s a good role for me here?
Signed,
Supportive Spectator
Dear Supportive,
I, too, have cringed on the sidelines hearing parents who are way too invested in their kids’ sports careers and/or way too critical of their young people who are doing their best. I always wonder what the parents’ goal is and liken “get your head in the game” to “calm down” on the scale of “phrases that aren’t helpful.”
And, at the same time, I usually believe that all of these reactions are a function of parents caring about their kids, showing encouragement in different ways, and also, in the best-case scenario, knowing what kinds of side coaching best suit their kids. I also know that even with the best intentions, it’s easy to get swept up in the heat of the moment at a sports event, even a kids’ game.
I tend to ask my kids before games if they want me to cheer or not. The answer varies by kid and by sport and from week to week. I don’t expect every parent to have that conversation before every game, but it is something to consider. I also think it’s worth parents talking to kids after games to ask, “Was it helpful when I came over to talk to you between innings?” or, “Did telling you to concentrate during your free throws improve your focus?”
But you’re asking about your role with other kids, and I think the best you can do is model what you think the ideal sports parent should look like. Cheering equally for all the kids is great, if you can keep up that kind of energy (and remember their names!). But also, cheering for your own kid in a super positive way can show other parents that criticism isn’t the only mode.
If you cheer for a kid who strikes out and their parents glare at you, so what? If a parent says, “Why did you miss that, Jack?” and you simultaneously say, “Jack, don’t listen to him, you’re doing great,” that’s a bad look, but “you got this” is always appropriate, as is “Go Team Name” and “keep it up.”
You can also be a supporter of all the kids on the team by saying “good game” to all of them afterwards (even if it wasn’t), bringing snacks, helping with rides, and just showing up. And while you’re certainly right that parents often undermine coaches, the coaches know what they’re signing up for, and your concern for the kids is more important. Even so, thank the coach after every game – another great behavior to model – and consider an end-of-season gift. Coordinating that with the other parents will also give you a chance to get to know them, and maybe even distract them during the game so they have less time to yell.
Be well,
Miriam