Shiksa Eats: Wait. Is Matzah a Bread? Or a Cracker?

Me and my Matzah!

This weekend, I made Matzah.
To be fair, I use “made” very loosely in this case, because 1. I had no idea what I was doing. 2. I had nobody who knew what they were doing there to supervise.
Like my friends really had better things to do at 11 p.m. on a Friday night. Oh, come on.
Over the course of an hour, two things were very close to happening.

  1. I almost set off the smoke alarms in my building.
  2. I almost broke my oven.

This does not bode well for my future as the food blogger here.
This is my Matzah story.
Matzah (to me and a dictionary): Unleavened bread eaten at Passover.
Matzah (to Jewish people): Disgusting.

Matzah (to the internet): 

And then there’s my Matzah!

My Matzah

(I don’t have any idea if it’s supposed to look like this, but this is what happens when I make Matzah without sufficient Jewish supervision. Please save all snarky comments about its appearance for at least a week.)
1 cup all-purpose flour/kosher flour
1/3 cup water, add more as needed
… No, I’m not punking you. It’s seriously only flour and water.
Move an oven rack and baking sheet to the top rack of the oven. Preheat your oven to 475 degrees. Or just start it on fire, because that essentially what my oven did at that temperature. (Just kidding, don’t actually start your oven on fire. That would be ridiculous.)
· Mix water into the flour, slowly. Use a fork to stir, molding the mixture into a ball of dough.
Knead the ball of dough until smooth, then roll it out into a giant pancake.
Using a fork, stab the pancake of dough repeatedly to perforate it. If the dough rises- you fail.
Carefully put the dough on the hot baking sheet. Beware the heat-wave when you open the oven door. After three minutes, flip the dough and bake for two more minutes.
It’s so easy, a non-Jew can do it.

My Matzah Pizza

So easy, in fact, I decided to up the game into… Matzah Pizza!
Pizza Sauce
I’m not even going to bother trying to convince you that this is a complex recipe. Throw the sauce and toppings on the pizza, and toss it in the oven until the cheese melts. Eat.
If it seems like too much work to track down those extra ingredients (i.e. if you’re a college student), just drizzle with some olive oil and sprinkle with salt.
It might even be my new token study snack.
Deal with it.
What I learned this week: Homemade Matzah knocks the socks off the store bought stuff. Try to prove me wrong. Can’t be done. … And I should probably never turn my oven up to 475 degrees again.
Until next time,
Shiksa out.
(Photo of internet matza: Avital Pinnick)