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Dear Miriam,
I read a lot of advice columns (including this one!), and I recently read a question that I am absolutely sure was written by someone I know. Now that I’ve read what I’ve read, is there anything I should say or do differently next time I see this person? Especially if, say, I disagree with the advice they were given, or even if I just want to offer support for what they’re going through?
Signed,
I Know You
Dear Know,
There’s a meme that often goes around this time of year describing a mom talking to her daughter who’s about to start middle school. The mom has her daughter squeeze out an entire tube of toothpaste and then tells her to put it back in. Of course she can’t, providing a perfect opportunity to talk about how important it is to use your words and actions carefully. There’s an almost identical Jewish folktale that, you know, probably came first, involving a gossipy woman in a shtetl and a feather pillow slit open and blowing in the wind.
When you write to an advice columnist, you put your story out there, and it can’t be stuffed back in, just like toothpaste or feathers. But also, if you were to approach this person, it would be like asking them to eat the tube of toothpaste, or to clothe themselves in the feathers. It wouldn’t make the thing better but would sure make it more awkward. They’ve done nothing wrong by asking an anonymous question, and the social contract around such a thing is for readers not to speculate about the identity of the writer, and, should it be discovered, to hold onto a pretense of ignorance.
Please, on behalf of advice columnists everywhere, don’t say anything. For one thing, there’s a good chance you’re actually mistaken, and no good way at all to confirm or deny what you suspect. For another thing, there’s nothing to accomplish through such a conversation other than embarrassing the other person or coming across like you caught them in a “gotcha” moment.
If, at some point in the future, the person openly shares with you that their question was answered in an advice column, feel free to say, “Wow, I thought that might have been you!” and then let any further follow up come from them. If the person asks you for advice feel free to offer your own suggestions.
More importantly, if this is a person you know and care about, and you knew enough of their circumstances to recognize their story, maybe you also know enough to check in on them. “Hey, just wondering how you’re doing,” is almost always a kind and appropriate gesture. Whether the person is going through a major life kind of thing or just had an incidental, minor question that still benefited from some outside perspective, you can always reach out. (And just a reminder, you can send me both kinds of questions or anything in between!) If you don’t know them enough to say hello independent of your own curiosity sparked by the column you read, then you’ve just confirmed that you’re best off staying out of it altogether.
Be well,
Miriam
