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Dear Miriam,
My 9-year-old daughter used to like going to synagogue and enjoyed being Jewish. But since we moved a couple of years ago, her feelings have changed completely. She’s receiving various supports for some special needs, and other areas of life are going much better, but Jewish life is still a mess. The synagogue has tried its best to accommodate her at Hebrew school, including hiring a one-on-one aid and adjusting the curriculum. We have been trying to be as low-demand as possible, but being Jewish and participating in our community is an important part of our lives. What else can we do to help her get over her mental block about Judaism?
Signed,
Just Want Her To Love Being Jewish
Dear Love,
This sounds incredibly painful for all of you, including your daughter. But here’s the thing: You can’t force your daughter to like the same movies as you, or the same vegetables, or to have the same hobbies. You might be able to force her to wear the clothes that you select for her, but you can’t make her feel comfortable in them. You see where I’m going with this, right?
I want to encourage you to think about this situation from the perspective of problem-solving and meeting your daughter’s needs, rather than viewing her attitude as a personal attack or a long-term indication of her relationship to Judaism. She is her own person, and with her current attitude and behavior, she’s making sure that you know that. She’s been through a lot in the past few years, and she’s also at a natural point in her own development where she is asserting independence and exploring what elements of her life she can control.
So I think it’s time to give her more control. She doesn’t like Shabbat dinner? Let her set the menu, choose the guest list, and direct the evening’s events. She doesn’t like going to synagogue? Let her bring a book and do her own thing, or let her talk to you throughout the service to describe what she doesn’t like about it. She doesn’t want to go to Hebrew school? I know this one’s hard, but don’t make her go. At a minimum, I suggest taking this next school year off from that environment, with an understanding that you’ll revisit the question next summer.
As a career Jewish professional, I can’t tell you how many stories I’ve heard over the years from people whose negative Hebrew school experiences had a lasting negative impact on their Jewish identities. But not going to Hebrew school doesn’t mean opting out of Jewish content altogether. See if she can meet with the rabbi or Hebrew school director and talk about what she’s interested in – not related to Judaism, just in general, so they can help her make connections between things she cares about and Judaism. Go to your local library and find books with Jewish characters for her to identify with (including characters struggling with their Judaism!). Let her volunteer for a cause she believes in and then talk with her about Jewish values in that context.
I recognize these suggestions are more effortful for you. I’m sure you wish there were a magic solution. I also know that you do not want to force your daughter into circumstances that she is telling you – through her words and actions – are not working for her. Continue living the Jewish life that works for you and modeling that there are many ways to express your Judaism. Continue exposing her to Jewish role models and experiences and loving her for who she is and how is choosing to express herself, even when it challenges you and your vision of what your family’s Jewish life would look like. Like so many parts of parenting, this one is difficult, disruptive, and hopefully temporary. Keep parenting the child you have, not the one you imagined you’d have. Judaism will be there for her when she’s ready.
Be well,
Miriam
