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Dear Miriam,
What is your advice about BMitzvah projects? What’s the best process to help your kid pick a project, and then how do you get them to actually follow through, especially if they’re very busy or just not that engaged? I want this to be a positive experience, but I’m not sure how to get started or set us up for success.
Signed,
Parenting through a Project
Dear Parenting,
In my experience, BMitzvah projects take on two forms: “mitzvah projects,” which usually look like volunteering or giving back to the community related to a cause that matters to the kid, and some sort of capstone project about Jewish content again, ideally, related to something of interest to the kid. The norms and expectations around these vary widely by synagogue/program/community, and also – good news – there is a very wide range of what can acceptably fit into the structures of these projects.
Let’s start with the mitzvah project, since I think this is a pretty universal BMitzvah requirement. First, just some background to say that “mitzvah” literally means commandment. A more accurate Hebrew phrase would be gemilut chasidim, which means acts of lovingkindness, or tzedakah, which means charity. But calling it a mitzvah project feels like convenient shorthand, and whether it’s specifically accurate or not, it’s a widely used term.
The mitzvah project sets the stage for a lifetime of giving back, and that will be most effective if you lean into what your kid really cares about. They love animals? Great! What do shelters need? Is there a wild animal whose habitat is threatened? Do they love drawing? Great! Can they collect craft supplies for kids in the hospital, or raise money for a non-profit that provides free afterschool art classes, or volunteer at a museum? The more that their interests drive this process, the more likely they are to follow through. Sure, they will still need help and reminders and the gentlest of nudging, but if it starts with something that matters to them, the uphill battle will not be nearly as steep.
A really important process question is whether they want to raise money, or volunteer their time, or advocate for policy change, or give back in some other way. Depending on how busy your family is, some of these options may fit into your schedule better than others. And just because you’re focusing on their interests, doesn’t mean you need to agree to something that isn’t realistic given everything else you have going while planning a BMitzvah. A place where you can be especially helpful is setting reasonable timelines and expectations and helping them stick to those goals.
As for a learning-focused project, again, this should come from your kid’s genuine interests. It should be a topic that is inherently compelling to them, a format that plays to their strengths, and a realistic product in the time you have available. For both kinds of projects, I encourage you to involve teachers/tutors/trusted adults in the community to help move the conversation forward. Sometimes, non-parents are better situated to get answers to tough questions, especially for 12-year-olds.
More than anything, kids should come away from these projects having had a meaningful engagement with something that matters to them. They should feel accomplished and supported by the people around them while they carry out their vision. How much money they raise or what their final project looks like matters so much less than the experience they’ve had along the way.
Be well,
Miriam
