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Dear Miriam,
At kiddush this past Shabbat, someone I know by name only accidentally brushed up against my bagel and got some cream cheese on his shirt. He didn’t notice, and I didn’t tell him. What should I have done at the time, and what, if anything, should I do when I see him next week?
Signed,
Don’t say cheese
Dear Cheese,
If I’m your friend with spinach in my teeth, I always want you to tell me. Is my tag sticking out? Please tuck it in, or at least point it out. Mosquito on my arm? Slap that bug! But. If I don’t know you, please don’t touch me. If I’m not in danger, I don’t need a stranger to save me from embarrassment, and I’m not eager to know that people I don’t know are examining me that closely.
That’s just me, though, and everyone has their own boundaries and preferences about these things. Since this isn’t someone you know, you might have made the situation much worse by pointing it out. He might have been embarrassed or annoyed or blamed you for cream cheese carelessness. You were just fine to do nothing, say nothing, and move on.
On the other hand (other sleeve?) you could have handed him a napkin and said you noticed something on his shirt. You didn’t need to claim responsibility, accidental or otherwise, in order to help him out. You also could have looked at who he was talking to during kiddush and gently told that person, out of earshot, to help out a friend.
It’s OK that you didn’t do any of these things, and I certainly wouldn’t bring up the incident at any future kiddush. But this highlights how much better it is to know people in your community than not to know them. If you see him next week, consider saying Shabbat shalom. Introduce yourself. Maybe that’s it, or maybe you engage in some small talk, or maybe you realize you’re neighbors or have something in common or your kids go to the same school or who knows what. Even if your first conversation won’t be about what to do if he has something on his shirt, you’ll never know anything about him at all if you don’t start by saying hello.
Be well,
Miriam
