My daughter won’t do anything I ask
No matter how big or small a task
The level of authority
Autonomy
Absolute assuredly
It is exhausting
Bordering deranged
Please God
May she never change
-Loryn Brantz
I really love toddlers. I know that’s sort of an unpopular opinion. The idea of the “terrible twos” is that toddlers are hard to deal with, unreasonable, tantrum-prone tyrants who sort of rule our homes despite our best efforts to maintain adult control.
I think the reason I like toddlers so much is because it’s at this time we begin to see their true personalities, and they start to share with us more and more of their traits and dispositions. It’s sort of like slowly unwrapping a gift that arrived when they were born and discovering more and more of their true qualities as they step ever more fully into themselves.
Very often though, it’s during this time that we adults discover children have certain traits or skills that are going to be extremely useful when children grow up, but don’t make for easy parenting. Someone who will grow up to be a leader might be labeled as a bossy child. The world’s funniest comedian probably had some frustrated teachers as child who called them the class clown.
Through my various phases of parenting toddlers, I’ve found varying degrees of success with certain methods and tactics. For example, there was a short period of time when, if I offered two options, my child would always pick the second option. Naturally, I made sure to list the option I wanted them to pick second so they would select the option I preferred. That worked for about a month before they realized my game.
How do we notice the unique traits and strengths our children bring to the world, cherish the gifts that they have, and cultivate their growth? How can we embrace the people our children are and not the people we think they should be?
“Train a child according to his way; even when he grows old, he will not turn away from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)
This text teaches us that by actively guiding and teaching children from a young age, we help to shape their character and behavior. While our children come to us with their own unique qualities, we can help them to put those to good use.
I fully agree with this text, and yet, I also have to remind myself that I don’t always have the full story. Our children are gifts from HaShem, and we simply don’t have the luxury of knowing all the gifts they have when we welcome them into our families. If we only cultivate certain characteristics or show them they are only loved when they display or experience certain emotions, we are limiting who they can be. It would be like showing gratitude for only a limited portion of the full gift we have been given.
It is not up to us to decide who our children are. They will show us fully in their own ways and in their own time who they are. It is up to us to embrace them and love the entire person. Not every character trait makes for an easy child, but we didn’t sign up for easy, right?
Humans tend to naturally resist efforts to control their behavior. That’s why my child stopped picking the second choice when they realized it was the one I wanted them to choose. When they feel safe to express themselves, within boundaries that they know are there to keep them safe because we care about them, they feel comfortable to explore and be fully themselves.
When we cultivate a child’s natural strengths, we encourage their potential and give space to the gifts they’ve been given. We fully accept the gift that HaShem has given us in the child we have, not the child we thought we would have or the child we think we think they should be. This shows our gratitude for the gifts our children are to us, and allows us to learn from the strengths they bring.
