I’ve been a Jewish mother my whole life. I even kvelled over my toys and dolls. Having been raised in a family where Judaism was a primary identity factor, it always made perfect sense for Jewish practice to be a family affair. And I certainly raised my family with those practices.
Religious School gave us a chance to study together. There were always a couple of times a week for Jewish learning. The kids were in class, and after the family would discuss what was learned.
Shabbat and holidays created lots of family rituals. Lighting ritual candles is always my favorite because it’s so sensory. I love guiding my child as they move the match and create the flame. My family has singers, so the prayers take on a beautiful sound. I still can feel the touch of my father’s hand on my head as he blessed his children. And most ritual candlelighting is framed with the aroma of a delicious meal.
And in my family, ending the night with the Sh’ma is a beautiful connection between mother and daughter. The last kiss goodnight to end the day.
That’s how I stayed grounded in Judaism.
So what do you do when there are no kids?
We all reach those points when the kids aren’t around. Maybe it’s summer at overnight camp. Maybe it’s a move for love or travel or higher education. Maybe, like me, your kids have grown up and started a life of their own.
So – adult to adult – what can you do to keep your faith and spirit centered in your Judaism?
One thing that helps me is to find ways to keep learning. Studying Torah is at the center of our spiritual practices. And there are wonderful ways to do that on your own. If you like classes, check out local synagogues, Hineni at Talmud Torah of St. Paul or see what’s offered at the Minnesota JCC. Adult education has proven a great way for me to dive deeper into Jewish history, practice and faith.
There are also lots of ways to study on your own schedule. There are audiobooks like The Torah for Beginners and apps like Sepharia. The online program at dafyomi.org sends you a page of Talmud for daily study. It’s both inspiring and grounding.
Making a point of keeping up Shabbat and holiday rituals makes a big difference too. That was hard for me to reconcile with my regular life. Of course I show up for high holidays and host a crowd for Passover. But so many other holidays were rooted in religious school learning or family rituals.
But I encourage you to dive in. For example, I may not build a sukkah for only my non-Jewish partner and I at our apartment building. But I show up at places where I can bless and shake the lulav and etrog. It’s a great reminder of how special it is to be Jewish.
I also recommend getting involved in your community’s Purim. For me it’s performing in the schpiel. For you it might be baking hamentaschen or helping with a carnival. My kids may not need me for Purim anymore. But the holiday certainly brings out my Jewish spirit.
Then there is Shabbat. I have a lot of trouble with this one, especially when I was single or my partner unavailable. I didn’t bake challah for one. Or open a bottle of wine. So I found smaller ways to have a ritually significant Shabbat.
One thing I did was make shorter candles. That allowed me to be fully present and mindful as I watched them burn. Sometimes I do bake, and I braid very small challahs and freeze them. And I always look for a way to make a change in something. Some sort of differential, a “bein chodesh l’chol”.
And the last recommendation I have is to add the Sh’ma back into your nightly ritual. Sometimes I reflect on holding my child as they once were. Sometimes I send it out to them through spiritual energy. And sometimes I realize that I can say it for me. That I can close my eyes and feel blessed by God and my people. And that brings me back to the Jew I want to be.
