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Dear Miriam,
My son and I are supposed to go kayaking next week. After the catastrophic flooding and many deaths in Texas, he’s decided it’s unsafe and is saying he won’t go. Obviously, if there was flooding or if it was unsafe in any way, we would cancel, but I don’t want to cancel our trip just because something scary has been in the news. What should I do?
Signed,
Trip Trauma
Dear Trip,
Fear and anxiety are sneaky and unpredictable. We often want to teach our kids to face their fears. At the same time, every parent I know can’t help throwing out an indiscriminate “be careful” once in a while when we see our kids doing something that triggers our own fears. Like in so many parenting challenges, we want our kids to be right amount of whatever it is (in this case, cautious) without being an inconvenient amount of whatever it is.
But some fears are rational, and some aren’t, and it’s our job as parents to help kids tell the difference and to support them while they navigate the tricky territory of appropriate risk taking. “But wait,” you might thinking, “kayaking is safe.” Sure, it is, under the right circumstances. Just like going to camp is safe under the right circumstances, but as anyone who’s heard the news this week realizes, sometimes even safe activities go horribly wrong.
Your job right now is to hear your son’s fears. You don’t need to convince him that he’s right or wrong for the moment, but you can help him feel safe by really listening. After he’s confident that you’re not going to put him in danger or force him into a boat this week, you can start tackling the rational side of things. Look up forecasts for your area. Understand what caused the flooding in Texas and how it relates to or differs from the climate in your area. Review the statistics and past flood history of the area where you’re going kayaking. Go over the safety precautions for your own planned trip. After enough talking followed by a significant break in talking, ask your son what he’s thinking about the trip. Then listen some more.
While you’re getting ready to hear him out, consider your options. Consider whether you can go to the starting point of the trip and let him decide when you’re there if he’s going to get in the boat or not. How inconvenient would that be, and how frustrated would you be if he doesn’t go through with it? Consider whether you can reschedule the trip for a few weeks from now, if his feelings might change over time, and what contingency plans you could put in place if he still doesn’t want to go then. Consider whether you can plan a different trip that doesn’t feel quite so timely and newsworthy and whether you can revisit boating in a year or two and feel okay about having waited.
But let me be clear: I don’t think you should force your kid onto the water right now. It’s possible that he might come out of the boat feeling fine, but it’s also possible he might be a nervous wreck the whole time and neither of you would have any fun at all. And he might truly resent you for forcing him into a situation he doesn’t want to be in. As annoying and inconvenient as this has the potential to be, showing your son you respect his feelings is worth more than a kayaking trip.
I’ll leave you with two final thoughts: First, if your son is having trouble functioning because he’s thinking about flooding or drowning, or these feelings about boating go on longer than this story is in the news, that’s an indication that his anxiety needs more attention, and you should consider seeking out a therapist who can help him work through his feelings. Second, if at all possible, keep him away from the news. There are enough scary stories out there right now to terrify most adults, and the news is overwhelmingly not appropriate for kids in its unfiltered state. Share what you feel he needs to know to be informed, but let the narrative come from you and not from any media source.
I hope for both of you that your son decides he’s ready to kayak this week, and if he doesn’t, I hope he knows that you’ll be ready and waiting whenever he changes his mind.
Be well,
Miriam
