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Dear Miriam,
The principal of my son’s school just sent an email inviting us to participate in a focus group for school improvement, which is scheduled on Rosh Hashanah. When we first started at this school four years ago, the first PTA meeting was scheduled on Yom Kippur, which left a bad taste in my mouth. I’m annoyed about this latest conflict, but not sure how justified my annoyance is. What is the most appropriate response?
Signed,
I Have Some Ideas for School Improvement
Dear Improvement,
I grew up in a small town where not only was it a given that school events would conflict with the High Holidays, but most people hadn’t even heard of the High Holidays. Despite living in a city now where our public schools are closed on Rosh Hashanah (first day) and Yom Kippur, and working as a Jewish professional where I thankfully get all the holidays off, I’ve never quite acclimated to the idea that the broader non-Jewish public should be expected to schedule around our holidays. To be clear, I think it’s lovely and amazing and incredibly considerate when people do take Jewish holidays into account, but I don’t expect it.
For one thing, the dates change every year. You have to admit that this is confusing, even to many Jews who observe these holidays. For another, Jews observe these days differently from each other, so where one person might be totally comfortable attending a school event after services on Rosh Hashanah afternoon, to another, that’s a completely impossible idea. (And this is before even taking into account Sukkot, also in the fall, or Passover and Shavuot in the spring, which I suspect most secular school principals are never going to consider.)
You are allowed to be absolutely as annoyed as you feel compelled to be, but don’t let that annoyance get in the way of responding productively. Also, it’s worth noting that this is a focus group that is presumably optional and likely not attended by a majority of the school community. It’s not a field trip or a test, which would exclude your son, or a mandatory parent event that would have lasting consequences for your participation in the school. So you’re entitled to be annoyed, but it’s important to put your feelings in context and to keep them to scale.
I suggest sending this email to the principal:
“Thanks so much for the invitation to this year’s focus group. I wanted to let you know that because the meeting is scheduled on the Jewish holiday of Rosh Hashanah, my family won’t be able to participate. Would it be possible to schedule an additional focus group on a different date, or is there another way for me and other Jewish parents to provide feedback?”
If you’re feeling up to you, I would also include the following:
“Another important Jewish holiday, Yom Kippur, is coming up on October 2. Like all Jewish holidays, it starts the previous evening at sundown. So you have the dates for future planning, in 2026, Rosh Hashanah begins Friday night, September 11, and ends Sunday, September 13 at sundown. Yom Kippur next year starts Sunday, September 20 at sundown and goes through the day on Monday, September 21. In 2027, Rosh Hashanah is Friday-Sunday, October 1-3 and Yom Kippur is Sunday-Monday, October 10-11. I know the dates moving around can be confusing, and I’m happy to be a resource to answer any questions about Jewish holidays or how to schedule around them.”
Close with some gratitude and platitude and hope that it is well received. And then, put this behind you as best you can, try not to hold it against the school, and do your very best to model this attitude to your son so this incident doesn’t impact his feelings about his school either.
Let me be the first to wish you a shana tova, and be well,
Miriam
