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I have always been told I look younger than I am. I’m a 32-year-old woman, a working professional, and people tend to think I’m 24, or younger! “Are you in college?” is a common question. When they find out my age, most people act surprised. Some follow it up by explaining, “You’ll feel lucky when you’re 60!”
I’m not sure which part of it annoys me most: that people make assumptions about me based on an incorrect perception of my life stage, that their assumptions make me question my own behavior and whether I “act” young, or that people are patronizing and wrong and never apologize for it.
How can I be better prepared for when this topic comes up? And how much should I try to make myself look my age, whether that’s through makeup, clothes, body language, voice training, or other?
Signed,
Eternal Youth
Dear Eternal,
First, let me join the patronizing crowd by saying you probably will appreciate this when you’re older. But that doesn’t mean you have to appreciate it now! I suggest arming yourself with a few cutting remarks and then moving on without caring what a bunch of random strangers think about you.
So, “Are you in college?” can be followed with, “I wish! Those were some of the best years of my life, and I’m looking forward to my 15-year reunion.” “You’ll appreciate it when you’re older,” can be answered with, “Just trying to live in the moment and enjoy my 30s.” When someone says, “You’re how old?” you can say, “Old enough that that’s not an appropriate question,” or, “I’m 32. How old are you?” or even, “Age is just a number. Let’s talk about something else.” You can also say, to any annoying comment, “Oh this again?” and then just move on.
In fact, I think one way to “act your age” is to be confident and avoid being flustered and just to change the subject when this comes up. You don’t owe anyone an explanation or justification for how you look, how you act, how you dress, or when you were born, and the more you entertain these conversations, the more weight and importance you give to them. People close to you should know not to say this stuff, and people who aren’t close you, dare I say, don’t really matter.
Of course, the exception is for cases like job interviews or dating where you don’t know someone yet but want to make a good – and age-appropriate – impression. Getting some style advice from friends or a hairstylist or makeup artist could be a great idea, as long as you still feel like you’re being true to yourself. You still want to look and feel like yourself, now and at any age. Exploring your options is great! But playing dress up to appease strangers ‘ (or society’s) expectations of what you should look or sound look like won’t ultimately make you less resentful or better understood, and it’s not worth compromising your self for outward appearances.
Be well,
Miriam
I’m really disappointed by your sexist answers to the issue of how women are responded to based on how we look–which women face all the time, in person and in the media. Remarking on how a woman [or girl] looks is never appropriate, and objectification like this forms the basis for the epidemic of sexual violence that women and girls experience literally every minute of every day.
The appropriate answer would be: ignore the remark and talk about something else. If the questioner persists, use variations of this: “your focus on how I look is sexist and inappropriate.” If it happens in a job interview, it’s illegal [and clearly not a workplace any woman would be safe or respected].