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Dear Miriam,
I’ve recently given up both drinking alcohol and sweets. I’m not trying to change anyone else’s eating or drinking habits, and I’m not judging anyone else – it’s really that this change makes me feel better. The problem is that most of the interactions of my social circle involve bars, and the ones that don’t usually revolve around going out for ice cream or dessert. Even most mocktails are sugary! How can I preserve my social life without compromising on my health, and how can I be inconspicuous about my own choices so it doesn’t become the topic of every gathering?
Signed,
No to Sugar, Yes to Fun
Dear Fun,
Many years ago, I read a book about Starbucks that talked about the need for third spaces and how, for a time, that was the role that Starbucks played in society. I think about this concept frequently – whenever I want to read somewhere that isn’t my house or have a conversation with an acquaintance in a neutral setting. There just aren’t enough options of places to go that don’t involve eating or drinking.
That said, coffee shops really are often the answer! Meeting in a coffee shop can be a low-stakes way to gather, and even just nursing a bottle of water can be an acceptable way to buy yourself a couple of hours sitting and chatting in a pleasant environment. A coffee shop that’s open in the evenings is a rare and precious commodity and deserves to be supported by any and all groups of people looking for an alternative to bars (or ice cream). Going out to a low-key dinner could also fit the bill, as could a quiz night in a bar or a board game cafe (where something other than drinking is the focus). And while mocktails can be overly sweet, you can also order seltzer and lime, and unless people are being especially nosy, no one is likely to notice or care what you’re drinking.
If people do inquire, you can say, “I’m trying something new,” or “I’ve reached my limit for the night,” (even if your limit is zero), or “I just don’t feel like it.” If you feel it’s necessary, you can make a joke about definitely not being pregnant, or, more preferably, about your food choices being the least interesting topic of the night, and then bring up something else. When you talk about sugar, make sure you’re not saying anything that might invoke diet culture or make anyone else feel bad about their bodies or their choices. This is about you and what’s right for you, and as long as you keep any comments squarely in that category, it’s on anyone else if they choose to make things weird.
Finally, I’ll suggest home-hosted events as an alternative to going to any of these establishments. Game nights, house parties, movie nights, Shabbat dinners, or havdalah are all great reasons to gather in someone’s home. And while food and drink will likely factor in, there’s not the same pressure as ordering something publicly. As an added bonus, if you’re hosting, you have total control over what’s being offered. If you’re going to someone’s house, you should give the host a heads up about what you will and won’t eat and, of course, offer to bring something, but you can likely be accommodated fairly easily. Ultimately, you want to be with your friends, and you want to feel good. These goals aren’t mutually exclusive, and while it may take slightly more effort than just showing up to a bar, even people without any dietary restrictions will likely appreciate a change of pace and a change of scene.
Be well,
Miriam
