As one of four siblings and the mother to three of my own children, I’m no stranger to sibling rivalry. Jealousy, resentment, annoyance, frustration, and arguments are common among siblings. Kids growing up in a household spend plenty of time together and know how to push one another’s buttons in just the right way.
I have a clear memory of my parents telling my older sister that I was little and couldn’t be held responsible for my actions. I don’t remember what I had done, but I do remember knowing exactly what they were talking about and knowing that I hadn’t done the right thing, but not saying anything. I can’t imagine how frustrated my sister was at that moment!
However, I also remember a lesson my dad tried to impart to us repeatedly. He would say, “When you leave this house, you are a team. Out in the world, you might be the only people who are for each other in the whole world. Stick together and stand up for one another.” I can’t say that we always did this successfully, but I remember the lesson and agree with the sentiment.
Hinei mah tov umanaim shevet achim gam yachad – How good and pleasant it is for brothers to dwell together in unity! This line, from Psalms (Tehilim) 133:1, provides the ideal state for sibling relationships. The Torah gives us many examples of sibling interactions, and most of them teach us what not to do.
- Cain and Abel – don’t murder your brother, or get murdered by your brother.
- Shem and Ham – don’t take a 40-day cruise with your family and look at your dad nude while he’s passed out drunk.
- Rachel and Leah – don’t marry the same guy and fight over him.
How can we cultivate positive sibling relationships among our children? We can look at the text of the Psalm for some guidance – that it is good to dwell in unity. We can think of unity as harmony or agreement, and while we know this doesn’t always happen in households, it’s the best ideal that I know to strive for. Encouraging conversation, active listening, and respect for others’ perspectives while providing positive role models are the best ways I have found to do this.
On Friday nights, my husband and I pray for HaShem to make our children like Ephraim and Menashe when we say the blessing for children. Ephraim and Menashe happen to be the only male siblings in the Torah who do not fight with one another. My family might not be able to achieve that ideal in our household, or at least, we haven’t gotten there yet. But we can talk to our kids about the strength of character, encourage the development of their morals and values, and teach them lessons from Judaism that provide examples of unity and the concept of am echad (one people).
