Got a question? Fill out this form to submit your anonymous question to be answered in a future column.
Dear Readers,
Just *under* two years ago, I wrote 13 pieces of advice following my daughter’s bat mitzvah. Following my son’s bar mitzvah this past Shabbat, I planned to rewrite a bunch of details based on all the new things I learned this time around.
But you know what? My advice really held up! I feel great about that for one thing, but I feel even better about having provided both of my kids with celebrations that matched their visions and personalities (and better still about never needing to plan another B’Mitzvah!). In the spirit of continuing to pay it forward, I am sharing my advice again, along with a few minor modifications.
- Clarify your priorities. Knowing what really matters to you about your event will help dictate so many choices along the way. In the case of a B’Mitzvah, knowing what matters to your kid is crucial, and finding ways to discuss and understand each other’s priorities is arguably more important than what your final event actually looks like.
- Make as many lists and schedules as far in advance as you can: guest lists, to-do items, questions for the rabbi, etc etc. Other people have done all of this before, so ask for their lists and schedules. No need to reinvent work that already exists! For the four or so weeks in advance, make a list of what needs to be done every day so no one day feels too overwhelming and nothing falls through the cracks.
- Accept help. When people offer, most of the time they actually mean it, and you can’t do this alone. Having our simcha weekend begin less than 24 hours after Passover ended significantly complicated things this time around, and in order to make it all come together, we relied on the generosity of time of so many people.
- The other side of this is paying people to help you. If at all possible, include paid help in your budget (I specifically recommended servers to set up and clear up kiddush). Use the moments where someone else is managing the logistics to be as fully present as possible.
- Be as fully present as possible! Special events can pass in a flash, and grounding yourself in the moment will help those moments be more enjoyable and more memorable. Pick a couple of key moments to highlight in your mind, which will help you to remember them longterm.
- Wear what makes you feel your best, and support others in doing the same. In the case of a B’Mitzvah, help your kid find an outfit that makes them feel their best. Embrace this occasion as an opportunity for your kid to express who they are in all kinds of ways, including through clothes.
- More about clothes: Do a dress rehearsal of all the outfits that everyone in your family will be wearing for all the related events. You will discover socks or belts that need to be purchased, items that need to be washed and put to the side so you know where they are day of, and, I promise, other things about clothes that will surprise you. A week before, those surprises are fine whereas the day of, they could cause a major panic.
- Have a plan for leftovers. Even if you’ve ordered perfectly for your number of guests, you’re bound to have some food remaining. Bring takeout containers and/or freezer bags to pack things up. Make room in your fridge or freezer in advance, or ask to borrow space in a neighbor’s fridge. Offer leftovers to your friends, and know where you can donate food to a community fridge or shelter.
- Build in downtime. You don’t need to program every minute of the weekend, for you or for your guests. This is another place where you need to know your kid and your family’s capacity for entertaining and plan accordingly, prioritizing the B’Mitzvah kid’s needs over anyone else’s.
- Ask for advice. Other people have planned these events before and there is a tremendous amount of collective wisdom out there, but you often need to ask for it in order to access what other people have learned.
- Honor the people who are important to you. There are many ways to involve family members and friends in these occasions, and it’s worth thinking expansively and creatively to make space for special people to have a role. This is especially important for younger siblings of B’Mitzvah kids.
- This one, I think, is vital, but it’s also something that has to start before you even know when your simcha is going to be, maybe even before you have kids or have met your significant other: Immerse yourself in community. Surround yourself with people you know will be there for you and your family no matter what, who can listen to your kid practice haftorah when you need a break, who can help you figure out how many cookies you need for kiddush, who will offer you encouragement, and who will even offer you their son’s suit that will never be worn again otherwise. Know who your people are, both so they are there for you and so your children learn the value of community. Be that person for other people, too, whenever you possibly can. This doesn’t happen overnight, and I know it’s not possible for everyone everywhere, but if it’s within reach, grab it.
- For this last one, I asked my kid for his top advice for parents planning a B’Mitzvah. He says, “Don’t stress out. You have enough time.” His advice for kids getting ready for their B’Mitzvah is “you’ve got this.” I think that pretty much sums it up.
Mazel tov in advance, and be well,
Miriam
What advice for later-in-life b’mitzvah and, if you’ have given it, how did the suggestions fare?