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Dear Miriam,
I have a friend who is making a life decision with which I disagree. I’m not trying to change my friend’s mind or even really offer support. What I’m looking for is ideas on how I can move past my own frustration and disappointment in order to accept that this is not my decision to make. How do I get there?
Signed,
Frustrated Friend
Dear Friend,
Alas, the world is full of people going about their lives in ways that each of us considers suboptimal. Who among us hasn’t had such thoughts? If only she would listen to me, things would work out. If only he realized my way was right all along. If only I was in charge, everything would be better. But you know, and I know, that’s not how things work, whether on the micro level with a friend or colleague or family member, or on the national or global stage.
Your friend’s choices are almost definitely not about you, so do everything in your power not to take them personally. If you want to continue to be friends, explore conversational topics that have nothing to do with the situation at hand. Practice separating who your friend is from the decisions they’re making, and practice separating who you are as a person and friend from the judgment you feel so deeply.
Go outside. Take a walk. Read a book. Listen to a podcast. Watch a movie. Bake bread. Introduce yourself to a neighbor or reach out to a neighbor who knows nothing of your current frustrations. There are a thousand ways to distract yourself, to engage in experiences that validate you, and to find little pockets of things that feel right to you, even when your friend’s actions feel wrong.
Consider journaling about your feelings to release them from inside your brain. Scream into the void. Talk to a clergy person or mentor or therapist if you need some in-person real-time confirmation that your feelings matter. But also remember that your feelings don’t matter too much, because this isn’t about you, really. In a week or a month or a year, perhaps you will find your way to supporting your friend. Prioritize yourself in the meantime, try not to burn any bridges, and dismiss the idea that, sometime in the future, it might feel good to say “I told you so.” That kind of thinking will bring you no relief, but resolving to give yourself a real break from thinking about the situation might.
Be well,
Miriam