I recently wrote a list of things I wish I’d known before I’d had kids, a list of items that I learned through experience in the newborn stages of my children’s lives. Apparently I have a lot of these lessons so I’m back again with a toddler version!
First, I’d like to note how I define “toddler.” I usually think of this age as being approximately one to three years old. Since some kids have tendencies a little before or after these ages, I’m giving a squishy definition to allow for individual development.
It’s not so much patience as it is reasonable expectations.
People have told me I’m so patient with my children. I believe you can only ever practice patience, and frankly, I’m not that great at it, so I just keep practicing! Knowing what typical child development looks like makes it a lot easier to be patient, because it keeps my expectations reasonable. If I know it’s really common for toddlers to have tantrums and how to support them through that, it’s much easier to be patient.
See the world through their eyes.
When my oldest began walking, I learned so much about their personality. I realized that when they can move their own bodies, they get to decide where to go and what to do for the first time. It might sound strange, but I hadn’t really considered them separate from me until then, and it gave me the perspective to realize that they had their own plans and desires that were separate from mine. Giving them time and space to explore and learn was necessary, but also allowed me to see what they were seeing and opened a new avenue in getting to know my child.
Potty training is different for every kid.
You might be thinking, ‘That’s just what people say.’ But really, I have never known two kids who did it the same way. I just know that if adults try to force it, it doesn’t usually go very well. Following their lead and positive reinforcement seem to be helpful, but I’m only halfway through the third kid, so ask me again in a year.
Pick. Your. Battles.
Some things are just not worth a power struggle. It’s really good for kids to make choices, and, within a limited range that doesn’t allow them to get hurt, to see the results and outcomes of their choices. So yes, you can wear your tiger bathrobe in public. Yes, you can sleep in the chair in your room rather than your bed (I’ll move you to bed after you fall asleep). Yes, you can explore in the woods if I can still see you.
Conversely, don’t say yes to avoid saying no.
It’s a toddler’s job to assert their growing independence. It’s a toddler’s parents’ job to allow independence within boundaries. So I won’t say yes just to avoid saying no and make things easier. No, you can’t go to the park without shoes on, because shoes keep your feet safe. No, you can’t ride your bike without a helmet. If you have wheels under you, you have a helmet on you. No, you can’t throw toys. All feelings are welcome, and you feel frustrated, but throwing toys is dangerous because someone could get hurt or the toys could break.
Take the long view. The days are long but the years are short.
Some of the things that feel annoying or repetitive in this phase are the things you will look back on fondly and talk about for years to come. Take lots of videos of their “little kid” voices and write down the funny things they say. Take a break every once in a while and remember how quickly time has gone since they were born. It only goes faster from here. This is a great point in time to continue making your home a Jewish place and space, and to remind your child they are a unique part of the mishpacha (family) – both your own family and the global Jewish family.
