I have a few friends who have had babies recently, and it’s gotten me thinking about the stage of parenting when you’re planning for the arrival of a child and navigating life with a newborn. I try to not give unsolicited advice.
Except, here you are, reading a list of my hot takes.
I think there’s something inherently Jewish about sharing our experience and making the road ahead a little easier for those who are about to travel on it.
If you are going to need paid child care, start looking for it as soon as you find out you’re going to have a child.
Depending on your needs for child care, it’s a good idea to consider your options right away. Consider the hours you need care, the cost of child care, where it’s located, and your family’s specific needs for things like bilingual staff, child care assistance, location, etc. Of course, I’m going to encourage you to look for Jewish child care, but given that it’s difficult to find child care at all I’m going to say do your best and if you can’t get them into a Jewish program, continue to make that a priority for as they get older.
I thought about the bris basically every moment of the first seven days of my babies’ lives. Then I never thought about it again.
I was nervous about the bris. I cried when my baby cried. And a day or two after the bris, everything was done and I didn’t have to think about it again. If I’d known this beforehand, I think it would have been easier for those first eight days.
Fed is best. Good mental health is best.
I wanted to breastfeed. I assumed that the nurses in the hospital would be knowledgeable about breastfeeding. This was absolutely not true. Perhaps some individual nurses do, but I didn’t get good information from the nurses at the hospital.
It was a good idea to ask to see the lactation consultant right away, because they know the real scoop. Also, the My Brest Friend nursing pillow was the only baby care item I really needed in the first six weeks of my children’s lives.
Judaism asks us to be the best parents we can be. That doesn’t mean being the perfect parent as defined by some parenting magazine. It means showing up as our best each day. If that means bottle feeding, then that’s what it means.
I woke up to phantom cries every night for the first year.
I thought I was going crazy until I learned it’s very common to “hear” the baby crying when they aren’t crying. It really messed with my head (and my sleep). In hindsight, I’m able to see that I could have benefitted from talking to other people who either had very young babies or had kids and remembered the newborn stage. Several synagogues and organizations offer early childhood Jewish education for parents of small children and this would be a great resource for a first-time family.
The baby will throw up, poop, and/or pee on every item of clothing and furniture you and they own.
I know what you’re thinking. EVERY item? Yes, every item, even that one you’re thinking of right now that couldn’t possibly be pooped on. By the time they’re toilet trained, there’s a strong likelihood that you’ll have caught vomit, poop, or pee with your bare hands. This might be a reason to consider either second-hand or more affordable options.
I am a maven. I love to get things on sale, second-hand, or from other families who have outgrown them. To me, this is an element of tikkun olam (repairing the world), because we are able to help one another take care of our children affordably and be responsible with resources.
Regardless of the mechanism, the prize is the same.
I worried for months when I was pregnant about whether or not to use pain medication during labor. Was it safe? Would my baby have the same outcomes if I used it? But if I didn’t use it, wouldn’t I be in terrible pain? As it turned out, I didn’t have a choice with my first. With my third, I didn’t have a choice about whether I had a surgical birth. Whether you use pain medication, have a c-section, adopt, adopt at birth or at 17 years old, the prize is the same.
Taking care of ourselves and valuing life above all else is a core Jewish value. I’m not saying you aren’t allowed to have opinions or scruples about how to approach labor and delivery, but when push comes to shove (sometimes literally, in the delivery room) the angst I felt about the decision during my pregnancy didn’t mean much because I didn’t have a choice in the matter, anyway.
Take the long view. The days are long but the years are short.
This parenting gig is hard. Any particular day or phase can drag you down. Fill your own cup and keep thinking about your end goal: the creation of a whole human being who knows they are loved and valued; a unique part of am Yisrael.
So true!! Thanks for sharing.