For my birthday a few years ago, my friend gave me a book called “There Are Way Worse Moms Than You: Irrefutable Proof That You Are Indeed a Fantastic Parent” by Glenn Boozan. It’s a Dr. Suess-style rhyming book that describes the parenting behavior of animals and reminds us that even when we mess up, we’re still good parents. It’s really a hilarious read, describing how animals will kick their newborns or throw them from their nests, all reminding me of the superior level of care I’m providing to my children, since I’ve never once thrown them out of a nest.
I really do need these reminders periodically. Despite my best attempts, my love and attention, and being purposeful in my parenting, I’m bombarded with messages and advertisements that I could be doing more or better. And, I do mess up sometimes. It’s all too easy for me to get caught up in the idea that I’m not the parent I could be.
I once heard a Jewish parent educator say that we shouldn’t apologize to our children. Her analogy to justify this standpoint was, if your doctor made one mistake and apologized, you would likely take it in stride. But if they did it twice, or more than twice, you would start to question them, not trust them, and probably start to look for a new doctor.
I gave this perspective some consideration, but ultimately decided I disagree. The analogy they provided is compelling, but it’s not akin to parenting. First of all, we (hopefully) see doctors less often than our children see their parents. We are with them at all hours of the day and night, through their worst moments and often, our own. We can’t expect ourselves to always have a perfect reaction or to handle each situation with aplomb. Second, very few people have advanced degrees in child psychology or early care and education when they become parents, versus physicians who enter the workforce with years of schooling and training. Finally, and for me, most importantly, I don’t find it easy to trust someone who doesn’t reflect on their behavior, take accountability, and apologize.
The Torah depicts HaShem as our creator and sustainer, protector and provider. As Jews, we have a unique covenantal relationship with Him. While the Torah provides many examples of discipline and correction, it also provides as many examples of love and compassion.
Our children don’t need perfect parents. They certainly don’t need parents who can’t admit when they are wrong or that they have made a mistake. What they need are parents who are grounded and stable, and provide for them a loving example of HaShem.
Finally, I’ll share the best parenting advice I have ever gotten. When my firstborn was a few months old, I was talking to a wise friend and lamenting that this parenting gig was hard and I wasn’t doing it very well. She really cut to the chase by saying, “Why do you think you hold a monopoly on f***ing him up?” It made me laugh, but it also made me realize: I’m responsible for the effort, but in large part, the outcome is out of my hands. There are many influences in the world that I cannot control, and I only have them with me for a limited period of time before they go into the world on their own. It’s been very freeing to know I am only responsible for my part, and trust that’s enough.
2 comments