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Dear Miriam,
I have some extended family that is not Jewish, and they usually invite me to celebrate Christmas with them. Last year, they graciously suggested I bring a menorah and light candles as part of their celebration, which was great, because the holidays overlapped. This year, they’ve invited me back and said they’d like candle lighting to be an annual part of their Christmas celebration. How do I explain to them that Hanukkah is over and doesn’t overlap this year, so that I won’t be lighting candles? Is there anything Jewish I can offer to contribute to their party as a substitute? They really want to be inclusive, and I don’t want to seem like a Grinch!
Signed,
A Week Late
Dear Week,
Your family seems genuinely invested in including you and your traditions, so I would suggest responding in a genuine fashion. Leave out whether this is something they should have known or whether they’re trying to appropriate Hanukkah. Address the issue head-on and with kindness, and an opportunity to share something about yourself and Judaism.
If this request came via email, send an email in response. If it came via phone, have a phone call, but write out bullet points for yourself in advance so you don’t get flustered and veer off script. In either case, here’s some language to start with: “It was wonderful lighting Hanukkah candles at your Christmas celebration last year, and it’s fun when the holidays overlap like that. But holidays on the Jewish calendar move around every year on the secular calendar. This year, Hanukkah actually ended on Monday, so I won’t be lighting candles. However, I’d be happy to contribute potato latkes since they’re delicious year-round.”
If you get questions about the lack of candles when you’re there, just answer briefly and factually. If people ask follow-up questions, you can share more about Hanukkah, the Hebrew calendar, etc, as you feel comfortable, but you can also deflect and say, “How has your year been?” Or, “What’s been special so far this Christmas?”
In the future, if the holidays overlap, go ahead and combine the celebrations if that continues to feel right. Next year, Christmas Eve is actually Friday night, so if that doesn’t prevent you from attending, you could bring challah and wine and even offer to say Kiddush if you think that would over well (and, of course, if this is a way you’d be comfortable celebrating Shabbat). Or, if the celebration is Christmas Day next year, you could offer to do havdalah. Oranges with cloves strike me as a rarely discussed overlap between havdalah and Christmas!
These family members are trying to be inclusive, which is lovely. Help them to do it right, to the extent you’re working to put yourself out there. And to the extent you’re not, remember that, unless proven otherwise, at least they’re coming from a place of love and interest.
Be well,
Miriam
