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Dear Miriam,
A relative attends the same synagogue that I do, so we sit together every Shabbat. I think it’s very meaningful to her that we spend this time together, but I have found myself dreading it for two reasons: First, I feel like I’m being observed by her, which prevents me from getting into a “davening zone.” And second, she asks lots of pointless questions that could only possibly have one answer. (Think along the lines of “Are you excited to see your child who’s coming home from college soon?” or “Are you looking forward to relaxing this weekend?”)
I don’t like talking during davening and have moved away from a couple of chatty friends in the past so we can catch up at kiddush instead, but I cannot move away from this relative without being hurtful. I have indicated that I don’t want to talk, and the questions have lessened, but I still dislike the arrangement. How can I manage this situation and hopefully become less annoyed by this setup?
Signed,
Relatively Fed-Up
Dear Relatively,
You are understandably frustrated here, but I’m stuck on the part where you are providing companionship to someone who wants it and spending Shabbat with a relative who enjoys your company. I’m sorry that this arrangement comes at the expense of your time to daven (pray), but I also hope that you can take a step back and see that there really are a lot of positive things going on here.
Her questions seem like a clear extension of her interest in connecting with you more deeply. The kinds of questions she’s asking indicate a desire for closeness without any real substance to go on. One way to avoid this scenario may be by proactively providing her with information before Shabbat services each week. Perhaps you could have Shabbat dinner together once in a while, or send her a text with some highlights of your week on Friday afternoon. That way, by the time you get to Saturday morning, she’ll actually know something about your life and won’t have to look for ways to connect – she’ll already have them.
If her questions persist, each time, you can respond with, “I’ll tell you during kiddush.” But then you have to make good on this. Even if you’d rather catch up with your chatty friends, if you’re going to put her off when she initiates during services, you should go out of your way to spend some time with this relative during kiddush. Tell her something about your college-age child. Share your weekend plans. Ask her about a hobby or friend or health issue that you know matters to her. You don’t have to talk to her for an hour, but showing that you do want to talk – just not during services – could be effective.
You could also consider getting to services earlier than she does. Use the first part of the service for some focused davening time for yourself. Then, by the time she arrives, you may feel like you’ve already accomplished your personal goals and have more patience for her. A similar option would be to step away from her during the Amidah or other silent prayers so that you’re clearly creating a separation. If you wear a tallit, you could put it over your head as some people do as another sign of concentration during times you particularly do not want to be interrupted.
Though I don’t think this is the case, an exception to all of this if if your relative is much younger than you. If so, you have the opportunity to teach her about the parts of the service, when you especially want to listen, when it is customary not to interrupt people, and general rules of synagogue etiquette.
But, assuming that this relative is actually older than you, try to relish the time you have together, carve out other prayer opportunities for yourself, find ways to be both kind and honest, and take seriously that your companionship is an act of lovingkindness that is a real and tangible mitzvah. You may not always be able to get your ideal prayer experience, but you are getting – and giving – something meaningful in its own way.
Be well,
Miriam
