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Dear Miriam,
I have aging parents who are interested in moving to an independent living facility. They would like to move to a place with a Jewish population, but we’re not interested in the most common and well-known Jewish facility in our area. How can I help them find another option that’s a good fit? And, since the reasons are irrelevant to our search, how should I respond when people ask why we won’t consider this popular facility?
Signed,
Searching Son
Dear Searching,
You should approach this search like it is a combination of choosing any other kind of real estate, finding a doctor, deciding on a restaurant for dinner, and having the opportunity to select your own neighbors. Some of the factors you can research, some will be based on word of mouth and asking for recommendations, and some will be based on a gut feeling upon visiting and experiencing it firsthand. And, though I said “you” here, really I mean, “your parents,” because regardless of your opinion, this decision is theirs, and your role should be one of support, going on visits if they request it (or need a ride), and listening to them weigh their options.
Encourage your parents to think about their priorities. Do they want a Jewish population because they’re looking for peers with similar life experiences to whom they can relate? Are they looking for a place that offers regular Shabbat services and other Jewish content, or maybe with a rabbi or Jewish chaplain on staff? Do they want a facility that has kosher food? Beyond their ideal Jewish-related criteria, what are they looking for in terms of activities, community building, vibes? Do they want a place that is connected to a facility with a higher level of care, should that become relevant in the next several years?
Once you (they) have a sense of what they’re looking for, I recommend starting with two groups of potential sources of information: Other people who have parents who have gone through a similar search, and rabbis/Jewish professionals who know where their aging constituents move when they decide to seek out this kind of residence. Ask around, ask your questions, and see what places you’re hearing about. If you’re this kind of person (or your parents are), compile all the options into a spreadsheet with things like date of visit, contact person, amenities, cost, and location. If you’re not this kind of person, jot a list down on a post-it and work your way through calling, visiting, or, ideally, both.
If everyone you speak to only recommends this one well-known facility, consider the possibility that there really aren’t other comparable options in your area and there’s a reason that everyone you know goes here. If you have preconceived notions about the place but have never visited, it might be worth reconsidering your hard stance. If it turns out it’s the only outfit in town with a Jewish population, talk to your parents about whether they have any flexibility about that requirement or about looking further outside your immediate geographic area. There are likely to be pros and cons to any choice, just like choosing a house or apartment at any other stage of life.
If there’s no potential to consider this facility, when people ask you why, all you need to say is, “It doesn’t fit our needs.” If there’s some other specific reason that is enough of a truth (or a white lie) to shut people up, you could say, “We knew someone once who had a bad experience there,” or “the cost doesn’t fit in our budget,” or, “they don’t have enough pickleball courts.” If people continue to push, you can try, “I don’t have anything else to say about that, but if you have additional recommendations, I’d love to hear them.”
Be well,
Miriam
